SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married for 18 years to a man I thought was my "Mighty" protector. One month ago, my world shattered when I discovered he had been maintaining a "Shadow World" connection with a woman from his past—a woman I had once welcomed into my home and fed at my table. For 10 years, they maintained a secret emotional and sexual affair across an ocean, fueled by "cuddling and fucking" messages that made me feel like I was living with a stranger.

Since the discovery (D-Day), it’s been a "Nuclear" event in our home. He is a professional—a Solicitor—who is now "on his knees" trying to prove he wants "Marriage #2." He’s doing the work—transferring funds for my security, crying at weddings, and promising a Vow Renewal for his 60th birthday. But the "stabbing pain" in my heart doesn't care about his money or his tears right now.

One minute I’m the Nurturer who wants to hug him, and the next, I’m pushing him away because the "itch" of his lies is too much. My body is "shaking," my stomach acid is high, and my liver (GGT 367) is fighting to heal from the stress. I suspect he is still "minimizing" the physical details to save his own shame, and the "I don't know" feeling is exhausting.

I’m choosing my own health and my "Golden Era" first. Whether I stay for a new chapter or walk away as an Independent Queen with my security vault intact, I need to know I’m not alone in this fight.

Hi EMSCEE,

I'm sorry you are here. I am under 6 months from DDay, so I am with you here, but we have to choose ourselves and drink water (seriously I didn't realize how much of a problem this would become.) I've started going on walks lately and they have given me a little more energy/motivation. I also asked for space with help from my MC and I think that had also helped because otherwise I'm in "saver" mode when I am the one who should be supported. If you don't have an IC I would get one asap. We are here for you

BK

I am also in shock of a double life that went on for years. Totally shocked!!! He was my everything and I found out that I was his nothing. Nothing but a provider of a wonderful life that he gets to enjoy. He got the great family life and the secret single life. Don't know how it will end up, but I am the total loser of everything.

Just wanted you to know that mine had a secret life too that I totally missed. I am suffering right with you. Hopefully one day we will be able to say that we made it back to happiness.

EMSCEE,

you are definitely not alone, something I quickly learned here. I am only two months from DDay so it is all still fresh and painful to me. I took about two weeks off work because I couldn't deal with the added stress of the affair and divorce on top of an already stressful job in corrections. I too developed the shakes, mostly when trying to talk to her. Someone that understands me better than anyone and has always been my counterbalance now fuels my anxiety to that level. Get a counselor soon, it helps to at least get your emotions out. Meds can help to if you want to go that route...I did. Don't self destruct, it is tempting but you have to stay strong and true to yourself.

EMSCEE,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, but you've come to a place that will share experiences and give advice. I want to emphasize your last point, please focus on yourself. It's a lot easier said than done. My D-Day was in February and i 100% did not take care of myself.

Eat and Drink water: As a previous poster mentioned, drink water and try to eat anything you can. If you can't get a full meal down, try protein bars or anything you can nibble on. I was shocked after two months I had lost way too much weight and looked visibly sick. Mustering the energy to even shower took everything I had. So try to drink as much water as you can and nibble on something.

Sleep: This I still struggle with, so I'm giving advice to "try to get some sleep" knowing it's really difficult. If you're bottling up a lot of your thoughts, try journaling to get some of these thoughts out of your head and onto paper. I find when I rest my head at night all of my thoughts come racing to me, the mental movies, everything. Try journaling, talking to a trusted friend or a therapist to get these moments out of your head and onto paper or a trusted person's ears.

Exercise: Whether you were into exercising before D-Day or not, try to get some exercise in. Doesn't have to be a massive gym routine, but walks outside help a lot. I would leave my phone home and would just go for extremely long walks in my neighborhood to get fresh air and clear my head. As I started to improve my physical health, I have ramped up my exercise routine back to where I was pre D-Day and it's helping out.

I suspect he is still "minimizing" the physical details to save his own shame, and the "I don't know" feeling is exhausting.

You need to put pressure on him to surrender the honest truth. If he wants to reconcile it will never work if the "new" marriage is built on a foundation of lies. The trickling of truth and minimizing of details is one of the worst things Wayward Spouses can do. It's going to make your recovery more difficult if you're still playing the "what else is out there" game. If he truly cares he will make sure he shares everything with you. Just be prepared though, because if he takes you up on it you need to be prepared to hear things that will cause more shock. There are lots of great books Waywards can (and should) buy especially if they are desperate for R. ("How to help your spouse heal from your affair").

He is a professional—a Solicitor—who is now "on his knees" trying to prove he wants "Marriage #2." He’s doing the work—transferring funds for my security, crying at weddings, and promising a Vow Renewal for his 60th birthday.

If he's not reading these books or researching how to help YOU, then he's not actually proving he wants marriage #2. Renewing the vows isn't very promising if the original vows meant nothing to him. His focus should solely be on helping YOU, and part of that is him being transparent and honest so you don't have to carry the burden of constantly wondering what else is out there.

Whatever you decide to do; know you do not have to make any decisions now. You are in a world of shock and pain; the worst type of pain imaginable.

Just know, YOU had nothing to do with this. Another thing that happened to me was my confidence and self worth dropped immensely, when in reality it was my wife who had 0 confidence and 0 self worth during the affair. You can get through this and you will, it is a marathon filled with good days and bad ones. I'm only 3 months out but I'm already beginning to see good days.

EMSCEE,

I’m so sorry this happened to you. 10 years is a bitter pill to swallow. Definitely get a therapist, one who specializes in betrayal trauma. And read up on the 180 in the healing library. It will help protect you emotionally from his smothering and love-bombing. Those are stock-standard techniques straight out of the cheater’s handbook.

He’s been lying to you for 10 years, and as a Solictor it’s his job to be persuasive. Don’t even think about trusting his words and theatrics, step back and watch his actions alone.

You should contact his AP’s spouse if she has one and let him know about the A. You’ll want to get tested for STDs as well. Insist that he does too, and make him show you (not tell you) the results.

Talk to a lawyer of your own so you understand what a future might look like if you D. Not to make any decisions until you’re ready, just to get informed. Your lawyer can also give you do’s and don’ts so that you don’t inadvertently weaken your position.

Confide in a friend or loved one. You don’t have to do this alone. It may seem embarrassing or difficult, but just think about if the situation was reversed. Would you be able to support a loved one if they were in this position? Then they can too. And know that you can always come here for support. You’re amongst friends here, the worst club no one wants to join.