How do you know?

I realize that I am less then 6 months out from D-day which I know isn't even close to seeing if things can be salvaged. However while he has done "the things he is supposed" to thus far, it doesn't feel like enough. I put together a list for myself because I am trying to look at it from a detached view which I've included at the bottom. He says that he finally knows what he wants "which he has never asked himself before" and that it's our M but he never mentions how he feels about me. He has been torturing me with trickle truths for months and I am just tired. I know to R I have to want it too, but I feel like I've been fighting for his bread crumbs for majority of, if not all of our relationship. I have 2 kids and I want to be able to say I did my best to try but I don't want to wake up years from now going through this again or even just feeling this way still. Any advice or anything I am missing? I feel lost

Thank you

1. Immediate Actions (The "D-Day" Response)
[ After dday without me] Total Cessation: End all affairs immediately and permanently.
[ Independently according to him, then deleted everything] No Contact: Block the affair partner(s) on all platforms (phone, social media, email) and notify them that you are reconciling and must never be contacted again.
[ Prompting] Radical Transparency: Hand over all passwords to phone, email, and social media accounts. Agree to zero privacy regarding electronics for the foreseeable future.
[ Not that I am aware of ] Disclose All Contacts: Inform your partner of any contact if the affair partner breaks the "no contact" rule.
[ Prompted ] Health Safety: Get tested for STIs and provide the results to your partner.

2. Radical Truth and Accountability
[ Failed ] Eliminate "Trickle Truth": Stop lying. Do not hide information to "protect" your partner. Tell the full truth about all infidelities, including the "sordid details" if asked, as this is necessary for healing.
[ Half assed] Create a Detailed Timeline: Produce a written, detailed timeline of all affairs, including names, dates, locations, and methods of deception.
[ Independent ] Accept Full Responsibility: Eliminate all excuses (e.g., "you were too busy," "we weren't having sex"). Own the choice completely.
[ Not defensive but shuts down] No Defensiveness: Listen to your partner's pain, anger, and questions without getting defensive or attacking back.

3. Individual and Couple Recovery Work
[ Independent ] Individual Therapy: Engage in long-term individual counseling to understand why you are a serial cheater and address underlying attachment issues or narcissistic traits.
[ Independent ] Couple's Counseling: Attend sessions with a therapist specializing in infidelity. This is a "marital emergency".
[ Prompting ] Read Recovery Resources: Actively read books such as How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.
[ Not done ] Join support group for addiction

4. Ongoing Behavioral Changes (Rebuilding Trust)
[ Trying ] Be Predictable and Reliable: Do exactly what you say you will do, every time. If you say you will be home at 6:00, be home at 6:00.
[Prompting ] Active Reassurance: Proactively offer reassurance without being prompted, such as calling to check in or sharing your location.
[ N/a] Eliminate High-Risk Behaviors: Cancel boys/girls nights out, solo business trips, or situations that provide opportunities for infidelity.
[ Superficially "understands" ] Validate Pain: Acknowledge your partner's trauma, PTSD symptoms, and triggers. Do not tell them they are "taking too long" to heal.
[ The only people who know are my close friends ] Inform Social Circle (If Needed): If the affair was known, you must be willing to inform friends/family of your betrayal to restore your partner's reputation.

5. Long-Term Commitment
[ Still early ] Patience with the Process: Understand that reconciliation takes 18–24 months or longer.
[ Says he is all in regardless after months ] Detach from the Outcome: Understand that despite your best efforts, your partner may still decide to leave. True remorse means accepting their choice with grace.
[ Superficially when prompted ] Proactive Care: Actively nurture the relationship, re-establishing emotional and physical intimacy, and showing deep empathy.

8 comments posted: Monday, May 4th, 2026

Multiple online affairs, difficulty processing

Hi all,

Fairly new here, dday was under 6 months ago, with the trickle truths still coming more or less. Married for nearly 15 years, found out about affairs that started 8 years ago after the birth of my youngest and have been ongoing until dday. These affairs were all digital (allegedly), short term and consisted of 3
dozens of women, all married, all via cheating groups, or forums. I am still completely blindsided but what's worse is finding out that the WH I thought wasn't capable of being thoughtful or putting effort apparently had no issues doing this with literally everyone else. This man let me take care of his parent/grandparents running myself ragged while still parenting our children as a full time working professional in a stressful leadership position and managing my declining mental health as a result but he couldn't be bothered to help because he was too busy chasing anyone who would give him attention? We are both in IC and MC but as I look at our relationship I would think someone was delusional if they told me this about their spouse and still felt that this could get better or be salvageable. He's technically doing the right things,and taking accountability but it's still very self centered driven in guilt. I honestly don't know what I am hoping for but reading so many other experiences about these one off affairs I just feel so lonely (not that either is better) I have no idea how to navigate any of this. Thanks for listening

13 comments posted: Thursday, April 16th, 2026