It's been 4 months since finding out about my WH's EAs. Things move forward, life continues on, and the EAs were starting to feel more distant, but my heart is always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I wonder if I am being too controlling now, telling my WH he's not allowed to see certain people or go to certain places. Have I lost my mind in the process of trying to find it? I'm not entirely sure what my expectations are anymore. Everything seems like a mess of boundaries, more mistakes, and pain. I suppose I just expect him to be a decent human being, someone who is respectful and cares about his family.
Every week, it seems, I find out something else that reopens the wound. But, instead of getting sad, I seem to be getting angrier and angrier. The slightest thing will set me off, and I am yelling and telling him I want a divorce. Perhaps I do.
He had told me he was going to book into therapy, but he didn't- that is, until I lost it. He told me he would order "Not just Friends", he didn't- until I lost it (which by the way is sitting untouched on the coffee table. "I'll start tomorrow," he keeps telling me).
Last week, my WH had to run out to meet a friend before our camping trip. My WH told me he would only be 20 minutes- just there and back. An hour later, he calls stating that he was on his way home, and that he wanted to chat with his buddy a bit as he hasn't been hanging out with him. I asked him where he was and he told me that he was at the casino. Now, the Casino was a place that I asked him not to attend anymore, especially with this friend in particular. For obvious reasons, as well as the fact that this is where he and his EAP would meet up while he was out with this friend. I immediately flew off the handle. It was a mistake. I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't have any drinks, and there were no girls there.
While camping last weekend with childhood friends of mine, we were all at a restaurant. Who walks in, this friend with his gf alongside one of the EAPs (see this EAP is best friends with said friends GF). My WH was thrilled to see them all and ran over to greet them and embrace them. I found it strange that this group would be in the same city as us, at the same restaurant. But he says he had no idea they were there. On the way out, his EAP came over and was talking about work she needed done at her complex, which is when I realized this woman was still in his life and would continue to be.
Then yesterday, he called me and confessed he had gone to a pub to meet his buddy who was in town with his new gf. Fine. The issue is that the pub they met at is where one of his EAPs best friends work. This best friend was a big part of the problem, enabling the EAP, as well as facilitating it. Again, I lost my mind. I've never been much of a yeller, or someone grumpy and angry... but this whole situation has changed my brain chemistry. She (the EAPs best friend) asked him why he took her off his socials, and he disclosed that I made him because I felt that she did not respect our marriage. Again, I lost it. I just cannot for the life of me understand how these things continue to happen. I feel like it is a complete lack of respect for our marriage, myself, and my feelings. He felt proud for telling her that I felt she had disrespected our marriage and wanted me to praise him. Yet, he went somewhere I asked him specifically not to go, full well knowing that the best friend was there, and decided to have a conversation with her about how I FELT she disrespected our marriage. On top of all of this, while camping, another woman he was being flirtatious with, who he was supposed to block, messaged him Happy birthday. He responded, "Thanks babe" and deleted the message. Every time I get upset and every time he begs me to forgive him that he has just "made a mistake" and that I am overreacting. How many mistakes can one person make before it is just pure ignorance in the guise of a mistake?
I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am so sick and tired of his bs. I have complete disdain for him; he's turned this loving, carefree, trusting woman into a complete disaster. Am I overreacting or is this absolute crap?! Am I being overly sensitive here or do I have grounds to be upset? I know sometimes there will be things out of his control that happen, but I feel these things were very much in his control and decisions he made.
