SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Skills I am trying to Master

I listed these out as a reminder list for me.

Obviously this is all a work in progress!

I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List

Here it is so far:

1. Time-Outs

Pause when either of you is triggered.

Clingers: Practice self-soothing. Switch to other sources of connection (friend, walk, journal) — without guilt.

Avoiders: Call the time-out before shutting down. Say: "I need a break. I’ll come back at 3:30." Keep that promise.

Repair Attempts: Normalize resets: "I think we’re off track. Can we start over?" Use this before things escalate.

2. Mirroring = Thought Empathy: "Send, Mirror, Check, Pull"

Let the sender speak fully. The receiver mirrors exactly what they heard, checks for accuracy ("Did I get that right?"), then asks: "Please Tell Me More About That"

Match the slower person’s pace. No rushing.

Speak less . Listen More.

3. DISARM, PREVALIDATE and Validate / Feeling

Start with: "You might have a good point there" or "You're right that I do xyz"

Then name their emotion: "I can imagine you’re feeling hurt because I canceled plans again."

Inquiry: "Tell me how you're feeling?"

Not agreement but acknowledgment.

4. "I Feel" vs. "I Think"

✅ "I feel sad." (True emotion)

❌ "I feel ignored." (Thought/accusation) →

Rephrase: "I feel lonely when we don’t talk at night."

Tune in daily to own body. Name the feeling, not the story.

5. Opinions = "I Think"

Say: "I think…" or "I believe…" — never absolute truths.

This leaves space for their truth. No "You always" or "You never."

6. SHARE EVERYTHING

No Omissions, No Avoidance

Share hard truths — with care.

Ask: "Can I share something vulnerable?" Then use the tools.

Make it safe: stay calm, don’t interrupt.

If they’re sharing, your job is to listen not fix.

7. Daily Appreciation

Name what you admire — specific, real, small.

"I loved how you laughed at dinner."

Revisit happy memories.

Gratitude builds emotional credit.

8. Fairness ≠ Resentment

Take turns. Both must say "fair" — but dig deeper:

"Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you’re afraid to say no?"

Self-care isn’t selfish. Hobbies, space, rest are non-negotiable.

9. Emotional Fitness

Use CBT to manage anxiety/depression.

Sit with discomfort. Name it: "This is anxiety. It’s here to protect me."

Cry when needed.

Self-compassion > self-criticism.

10. Physical Connection

Hold hands. Hug. Initiate touch — even small. Reach out with your hand.

If you need a hug: "Can I have a hug?" Make it long.

Affection rebuilds safety.

11. Repair with Apology

Apologize specifically: "I’m sorry I raised my voice — it scared you, and that wasn’t okay."

Accept apologies with: "Thank you for saying that. I accept your apology."

No "but."

12. Weekly Check-In (10 mins)

"How are we doing?"

Mirror. Validate. Appreciate.

Preventive care for connection.

Application:

TRIGGER TYPES AND THEIR TREATMENT:

1. Nervous system triggers (fight, flight, freeze)

Signs: raised voice, racing heart, shutdown, inability to think clearly.

Best response: regulate first. Take a break, breathe, walk, lower arousal. Don't try to solve the problem while either person is flooded.

SKILL 1

2.Attachment triggers (fear of rejection, abandonment, not being important) - Betrayal trauma sits here

Signs: "You don't love me," "You're pulling away," clinging or pursuing.

Best response: reassurance plus boundaries. For example: "I love you. I'm not leaving. I need 30 minutes to calm down, then I'll come back."

SKILL 1, 10

3.Old wound or trauma triggers (Betrayal Trauma sits here too)

Signs: the reaction is much bigger than the current situation.

Best response: acknowledge the feeling without agreeing that the current partner caused all of it.

Curiosity helps: "This seems to have touched something really painful."

SKILLS 2, 3, 4

4.Values or boundary triggers (Betrayal in this category)

Signs: a genuine violation such as lying, insults, broken promises, or disrespect.

Best response: don't just soothe the emotion. Address the behaviour, repair the breach, and rebuild trust.

SKILL 6, 8, 9, 11

Habit or preference triggers

Signs: irritation about dishes, lateness, noise, etc.

Best response: practical problem-solving rather than deep emotional processing.

BRAINSTORMING SKILL but uses SKILL 5 plus 2-4

RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE

SKILLS 6, 7, 8, 10, 12

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 1:15 PM, Monday, June 29th]

Ah, I knew it was you.

Maybe it's just my trauma talking, but some of these things read a bit... slippery to me. Like easy to misuse

First off, I'm curious about when you're thinking these principles are applicable. After one partner has fundamentally betrayed the other, there may well be times when the BS doesn't give a fat damn about reflecting and mirroring and accepting apologies. Is there an expectation that these are ground rules for both partners, or is this a guide for the WS only?

Second, I have an issue with always validating and saying "you're right." Sometimes, people are wrong. Even betrayed spouses can be wrong. Being cheated on doesn't confer a cloak of infallibility.

You can understand and even accept bad behavior from someone you have wronged, but that's not the same as validating the behavior itself. Authenticity is the cornerstone of rebuilding trust. Be honest. All people do not, in fact, make sense all the time. "You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

I was also wondering if these things were meant to go both ways. That's the impression I got from the original post.

"You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

Yup. "I hear what you're saying" or "I understand why you feel that way" would be better for acknowledgement. Sometimes our thoughts and emotions are unreasonable, disproportionate, or based off of incorrect information about the reality of a situation. It's okay to recognize that and work through it, whether in conversation with your BS or elsewhere... But "all people make sense all the time" removes any anchor to objectivity we might otherwise maintain.

This is a guide for Waywards. BPs can develop their own!! Hence posting it here and not in General!

As for the comment "You're right" - this is meant more in the sense of pushing you to find at least a grain of truth in what the other person is telling you. Of course no one is 100% right but in most discussions it helps to push you to default in accepting some of the other's person's viewpoint.

It's just a "reminder phrase". I like reminder phrases that are short and flashy and easy to remember because they help keep the ship on course when my brain gets overheated.

I adapted it moderate the phrase.

I hear that the List is too simple.

Yes. This could be fleshed out in many directions. It is meant as a simplified reminder list.

Obviously another point is you use it regardless of how the other person acts.

If they are triggered and can't mirror you, you mirror them regardless. That way one person can stay calm and progress can be made.

It has been useful to me with my kids. They share more with when I am consistent with these behaviours.

It's a lifelong practice especially when you've been down the wayward path. I know for sure I had no clue about Explicit skills in relating as a younger person.

Work related training courses would scratch the surface. I found after blowing up my house and getting serious about rebuilding my life I really wanted to dig deep and find out what "worked".

Applying what works is really A Fake It Until You Make It process for me (especially as a Wayward). Obviously I had poor skills and that got me to where I was.

I am learning to embrace the whole of me because I am not only a Wayward/Cheater but an Avid Learner.

Finally I keep in mind that I can doing all these things but if it's not coming across as caring and loving (which is measured by the other person's feelings) then no skills list in the world is going make anyone enjoy relating to me.

I added a section on Trigger Types and How the Skills could be used for different types because I have noticed myself over time that some behaviours soothe better than others depending on the particular combination.

Like yesterday whilst using Skill 6 there was a mutual Triggering set up. They had Old wounds trigger and I listened carefully and stayed curious, Skills 2 -4. This unfortunately set off attachment trigger in me due to certain words they used plus some Old Wounds.

After some time I decided to use Skill 1 and we moved to another topic but Repair was not complete.

To lett them know what I needed to repair I later on I used a mix of Skills 3 , 4 and 5 in a letter.

This morning after the letter was read I got more Skill 10 back. No talking was required because Skill 10 was enough.

Looking back on this process which took several hours I notice a lot of energy was spent. It was not very comfortable at times. However some real progress got made.

There was no Good Guy or Bad Guy. The Betrayal was not centre of the situation but issues.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 1:30 PM, Monday, June 29th]

I think where I get hung up is this reads more like someone trying to get an A in reconciliation but not really how one changes at their core.

Other than making sure you get self care, what have you learned about:

The ways you contributed to a dynamic in your marriage prior to the affair?

Why did you cheat? What were you seeking?

How did you cheat? What allowed you to pull the trigger?

I do think communication skills are important especially if you are practicing not being defensive. But if you get underneath why you are defensive it allows you to start practicing things that are unique to you.

The ways you contributed to a dynamic in your marriage prior to the affair?

Poor communication and emotional regulation skills. People Pleasing Narcissistic behaviours. Overfunctioning. Conflict resolution that ended up in triggers with poor quality repairs. Lack of insight into Needs and how to get them met inside and outside the relationship such a "chatter needs", emotional soothing, sexual satisfaction, rest and recovery, fun. Too much time chasing money and job priorities.

Why did you cheat? What were you seeking?

I cheated because I met someone who stared at me in a sexually desiring way (trigger) when I felt absolutely unattractive emotionally to my partner (see my contribution to that above).

I was seeking sexual attention and being heard and having fun/release from duties. Home environment felt suffocating and critical.

How did you cheat? What allowed you to pull the trigger?

I made an appointment to meet up outside of work with the person who looked at me sexually and took it from there. The final step that allowed me to pull the trigger was a huge emotionally threatening fight that went completely unrepaired a few weeks prior. This put me at rock bottom.

"It looks like you are aiming for an A in Reconciliation "

Thoughts;

I took away my partner’s decision-making power when I unilaterally abandoned the relationship agreement by secretly seeking outside attenton. I confessed. Initially due to practical reasons we both desired at least attempting reconciliation.

This desire to stay together is true still now but fortunately the emotional landscape has greatly improved due to both of us changing how we relate. Still, I would not call us "reconciled" as I don't yet feel consistently safe. We are not "there" yet.

As time has progressed my partner has requested we don't talk about the past (eg betrayal events) and wants us to "move on" (currently this is a disconnect for us)

So we don't talk about the specific past betrayal events but focus on a recent event and repair these pretty well each time.

The list came about because in early recovery I informed myself on what I had been poor at and I decided it was my duty to learn what I could and apply it rigorously and see where it took me. I realised I had no control over another person so I did this unilaterally and did not request they learn the same skills (Well I tried initially but they took this as me trying to control them and hold them responsible for the betrayal so I finally stopped. That took a while).

From then on I learned these skills and practised them regardless of how I felt, seeking where this process would take me and take my partner. I was hoping they would start to trust me again. I started to see some results consistently over time but triggers still remain.

For me I now see this as far beyond reconciliation. In fact I admit that unless my partner can help me get to safety we will not properly reconcile. And of course if I am not safe then they are not either. But still I keep with the skills I have understood as essential (list above but my request here is for more input to get me over my impasse)

Over time I have found I use these effectively to get along better with kids, neighbours, family members and to stay calm and as a reminder of "the next right thing". So I think they are at least partially effective in training me to become a better parent, friend etc.

Meanwhile the learning process has over time given me gradually more ability to let go of expectations in Reconciliation (even if the old bad habit of expectations still rises its ugly head - more below on why I am here)

I do feel much calmer and mentally healthier in general life, I think partly due to the Self Care skill and also due to the feedback on the comm skills I get from others including my partner. Sex has improved as well. Many things inproved.

Where I am at now is noticing my partner is (I believe) at a different stage from me and we are in a bit of a funk and need new direction because they have not had available or spent the time and resources on the subject of self development as I have. So I am on here trying to get direction by posting and getting feedback.

I go at this from an angle that I can only change what I do so I focus on learning stuff I can do without requesting much of their input except the ones I gain while using the skills on a given situation. I think we have reached a point where they need to give a bit more.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 3:33 PM, Monday, June 29th]

Thanks for answering- because you are new here sometimes it helps to have context on what your work has been versus what you are asking now. I think you have received good feedback on the OP. As long as you have found it beneficial to work on yourself alongside the relationship, you will find ways to refine the process naturally.

Generally when some genuinely wants to change and stops being afraid to look at themselves honestly and deeply, that’s really the momentum you need. It feels better when you do better and it helps change the cycle.

Thanks for asking questions and answering.

In general part of the issue is that I am sometimes treating this like a duty, a project. I failed therefore I need to fix myself. I sometimes lose sight of pleasure and just Being in the relationship.

Another point to try to change 😫

It feels very tiring at times and I wonder when I will be able to take my foot off the gas. A friend of mine says I am trying too hard. She says maybe the relationship is not right for me. This sounds like a cop out since I have still got gaps in my abilities and self awareness. But her words do affect me somewhat. I do still feel judged by my partner almost daily and this pattern was present long before the betrayals occurred.

I feel overall LESS judged but it is still too much. Too many rules to follow. Part of the reason I could never be myself with this person was I allowed their emotional discomfort to reign and it stopped me from sharing my inner world.

I now see the same People Pleasing Narcissistic traits in them and see this as something which will hold us back from a great life together. But I don't control that. I can only use the skills to deal with it.

I now force the situation and share my inner world regardless but it brings up a lot of triggers. The process feels exhausting. I come here to get some relief. Maybe someone had a magic thing I have overlooked.

I genuinely Want to change. I am absolutely open to it. I push myself pretty hard. I have dealt with a huge amount of anger-producing thoughts and now very rarely ever get angry. I do get triggered into defensiveness. So working on that.

My kids tell me they see me as very "Chill". I keep my voice very calm.

I now rarely get irritated or off balance very much by external events EXCEPT my partners upset. For some reason this I have not been able to get to grips with fully. Hence reconciliation still feels elusive.

So I recognise I need to let go of something, I need something to catalyse me into a new direction now so it feels better. Instead I feel sad almost every day. It doesn't seem this should occur in a reconciled relationship. I recognise CBT could help with this. I also need to work on self compassion and self validation. I need to see that even the betrayal period as twisted as it was, was all I was able to do at that time. I need to let go of being the Bad Person.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 4:02 PM, Monday, June 29th]

Prior to adoption of this "you're right" thing, did you tend to see conflicts as being black and white, as in, one partner is 100% correct and the other is 100% wrong and you've got to battle it out to figure out who's who? I'm wondering if the "you're right" thing is at risk of absoluteness. I think that as long as the ego doesn't get in the way, most people automatically attempt to evaluate what's true and what's not about their partner's side of things.

I don't think you can neatly fit every conversation into the principles you're describing, nor apply a formulaic approach to interactions until you get the result you desire. People are complex and don't always behave or respond the way we expect or would like them to. What we do and say can be perceived differently than we intended, and that can't always be corrected. Interactions can be messy, and we just have to do our best and manage our own responses.

I hear a lot of overlap with my situation in yours-- over functioning, conflict that isn't fully resolved, unmet social needs (I think that's what you mean't by "chatter needs?"), feeling undesired/undesireable, potentially escapism from everyday life and responsibilities... So I get it.

It sounds like you are trying to be better about asking for what you need from your husband... But are you also trying to figure out:

a) which needs he should be meeting

b) which needs other people (friends, family, hired help, etc.) should be helping you to meet

c) and which needs you should be meeting for yourself?

Because like I mentioned before, we are meant to have a social network over which we can spread the emotional labor required of having our needs met, and it's a lot to pin on one other person in our lives. There will be times when your spouse is unable to manage as much of the chores as you need them to complete, when they are unable to make you feel desired/desirable, when they are too tired or just not in the mood to talk, when they don't resolve conflicts to your complete satisfaction, when they don't give you the sympathy/empathy/solutions you come to them looking for... And what will you do then? That's why it's important to focus on the internal work, not just on fixing the external/marital communication issues.

One of the messages I received here that I had the hardest time internalizing was that much of what we were seeking from our affairs, affair partners, or even from our spouses, we are meant to--and are perfectly capable of-- providing to ourselves. If I want more conversation and connection, I can make platonic friends (of course, I have to fix what was broken inside me that I was forming errant romantic attachment to platonic friends before it's safe to do that) or reach out to family members. If I'm overwhelmed with trying to manage everyone else's needs and feelings, I can hire help, implement different systems, or simply elect to leave them to figure it out for themselves and deal with the consequences if they don't. If there isn't space for my interests, relaxation, or fun in my life, I can make space for it. If I don't feel desired by other people (namely my H), then I can make myself feel sexy. I can provide love, care, and validation to myself that I was seeking in him and in others... These are all still works in progress, of course, but I now know they're a possibility.

Still, I would not call us "reconciled" as I don't yet feel consistently safe.

Can you elaborate on this?

I was hoping they would start to trust me again. I started to see some results consistently over time but triggers still remain.

Trust takes a really, really long time, a lot of consistency, and sustained, demonstrated change to rebuild. I don't know how far out you are from DDay, but I would still recommend reminding yourself to be patient with your BS and their healing process. You can't just talk it out and shower him with affection and expect things to be okay again. One phrase that has been stuck in my mind since I read it in Gemmy's letter to his future self is:

the person who taught your body that love and danger could occupy the same space.

You are that person. The love you express for your BH now is unfortunately tainted by the infidelity, and until the both of you are healed, it may continue to trigger feelings of danger in him. Again, you must be patient for however long it takes... If you feel like the work to reconcile is a lot, you can give yourself short breaks from it where you focus on your own emotional recuperation. Just make sure to come back to it afterwards, otherwise the R will fail.

I now rarely get irritated or off balance very much by external events EXCEPT my partners upset. For some reason this I have not been able to get to grips with fully. Hence reconciliation still feels elusive.

When you come to terms with your infidelity being entirely your own fault, and you work through the shame and eventually come to forgive yourself for it, your BS's feelings become much easier to sit with. They don't inspire defensiveness, anger, or triggers-- usually just empathy, remorse, sadness, and/or grief for what was. And then you use those feelings to motivate yourself to continue working on yourself so that you're never unfaithful again.

edited for clarity

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:25 PM, Monday, June 29th]