SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Icedale:

After a quick review of your posts, I cannot see whether you have exposed her emotional affair to anyone else... have you at least informed both sets of parents of her actions? I would advise starting to expose her affair to family and close friends. Based upon her recent actions and her only caring about herself and money, I can see her easily attempting to rewrite your marriage and cast you as the bad guy-- uncaring, cold, neglectful, etc. Get ahead of this- tell her parents and siblings what and with who she had the affair with. They probably know more about her history with the OM that they could possibly tell you. Also inform her family who the OM is and his pending criminal charges. Tell them you're not doing this out of revenge but to protect your children to possibly being around the OM in the future and ask for them to guard against your children being exposed/come into contact with the OM.

Keep everything fact-based, supported by any hard evidence (texts/pics/phone records) and do not call her names or become emotional about it. You will need support from your family and close friends going through the divorce so be honest with them. Keep in mind that, unfortunately, people that you thought were close couple friends may choose sides in the divorce. You will need all the support you can gather in the upcoming months.

Obviously, run everything by your attorney first; but you should be ok as long as you do not slander or libel your WW- so keep everything just to the facts.

Obtain and keep a VAR on you at all times, and use it in interactions with your WW. After exposure and everything coming to light your WW may feel backed into a corner and desperate. False domestic violence charges can be common... she is being exposed as the villain in the marriage and she will be desperate to spin and change the narrative to you being the bad guy- so guard yourself accordingly.

Icedale,

I hope you’ll continue to be a part of this community if you need to vent or want support, or to support others walking the path you’re on.

I’ll say this - while your STBXWW has no empathy or remorse for what she’s done, which is fucked up and wrong - I can’t fault her for asking for everything she’s legally entitled to. The divorce laws in this country are not fair to BSs, but they are the laws. She’d be a fool to ask for less.

She should be ashamed and sorry for what she’s done and the fact that she’s not is infuriating. You may never get an apology, I’m sorry to say. I think your base case plan going forward should be having no contact except about the kids. NC = no new hurts, as they say around here.

Pogre, nukezombie, and letmebefrank

Thank you for the condolences. Its a tough situation, and even through all the mess, one that I didn't want. I've expressed that this decision is hers, not mine. I suggested working on things before giving up. I personally believe we owe that to our children, but I can't make her try. I recognize that this relationship is really not something I want (because of her actions and lack of accountability) at this point and clearly not something she wants, so it's best to just pull the plug now.

As far as exposing her affair, I don't think that's going do me any good and could actually be used against me in court. I don't want to do anything to compromise my reputation or ability to be a stable part of my children's lives. Plus, our kids are young, I have to deal with this woman for a long time. My family and friends all know whats going on (with evidence to support my side) and she claims that her family knows everything, including the details of her affair partner. Do I believe that? No, I don't. She is extremely concerned with her image, and doesn't want the kids to know anything either. I haven't talked to her family, and they are actually avoiding me at this point. The narrative has already been re-written on this one. I've been told that I was controlling, emotionally abusive, and that I need to take accountability for my actions that led to the downfall of this relationship. Laughable, I know.

I've discussed some plans moving forward with my attorney, and given the circumstances, they suggested to keep everything as a business transaction and just move forward without conflict.

As far as my wife asking for what she's legally entitled to, I don't blame her either. I understand that she is entitled to it and there's nothing I can do. My issue is that this wasn't my choice, and it surely wasn't our children's choice. She blows it up, blame shifts, and wants to walk away without actually trying at all. And I'm stuck sitting in the rubble, losing valuable time with my kids, getting financially punished, losing our home, and my sanity. All for what?

She's going to win in this deal and I just have to take it. Not to mention, she tells me she wants what's best for the kids, but has no problem forcing us to lose their home. That's my issue with it all. I'm sorry, she doesn't want whats best for the kids, she doesn't want what's best for me, she simply want what's best for HER. And the system allows it. Legal? Yes. Fair? Not at all.

Infidelity should be taken into account during a divorce but YEA! no fault divorces :/

Destroy your marriage and no repercussions :/

Icedale:

She knows that the children will eventually find out the true reason for the divorce, right? Don't make any promises to her that you will keep her emotional affair a secret forever. I would just casually drop a statement that when the kids are old enough they will learn about her actions. So, keep your evidence safe and secure because 5-10 years down the line when your children start asking the tough questions or they overhear an offhand comment that a family member makes in conversation.. they will come to you.

I would also warn your WW that if she tries to rewrite your marriage to the children and lies to them about you being controlling, etc. you will be forced to tell them the truth earlier which will include showing them the evidence that you have.

How's the 180 going?

Keep pushing forward.

Nuke

I agree. And honestly? If she didn't want them to look at her a certain way, she shouldn't have done it. Its that simple.

I told her that I'm not taking the fall for the divorce. If the kids ask, I'm telling them that it wasn't my decision. She blew up on me for that statement. I said I'm not going out of my way to tell them, but if they ask I'm just gonna say talk to your mom cause I didn't choose this. I also told her it's not me that she has to worry about manipulating the kids, that would be a game she'll play.

And 180 is going well. There's really nothing to talk about at this point besides the kids. I need to consult with my attorney before, but I plan on leaving the house to get away from her as long as I don't tie my hands in some way.

You will probably want to get counselors for your kids. A good counselor will help you find the right, age-appropriate way to explain things.

I would not leave it to your STBX to tell them what’s going on, seeing how she’s been perfectly willing to bad mouth you already.

People often say things to the effect of "Mommy broke some important promises to Daddy which hurt him. Then Mommy chose to go, but she and Daddy still love you all very much and nothing will ever change that, and we will make sure you’re all safe and loved and taken care of." Something like that. You are under no obligation to lie, and most people think that lying to children has harmful effects in the long run.

Remember though: don’t talk bad about her to them. All you can do is be the best father possible: loving, honest, available and nurturing. They will see that over time.

if they ask I'm just gonna say talk to your mom cause I didn't choose this

Absolutely wrong move. The VERY BEST thing you can do with your kids is be HONEST with them. There are countless cases of kids, now grown, who were kept fully in the dark about one of their parents betrayals, and ended up resenting the non-betraying spouse for not being truthful with them. On the other hand, they will see YOU are the promise-keeping parent with integrity when you share the truth. That will matter to them. Note: I am NOT saying you should disparage your STBXW - she disparaged herself by her actions. Let her actions & choices speak for themselves.

Give them the truth. Age appropriate, but truth. Stop fearing your STBXW. Talk to your attorney about what you may safely say to others. You’ll hear that it’s always legally safe to tell the truth.

Icedale31:

I'd far more strongly consider telling your STBX-WW's family not just about her affair but also about who her AP was. The reason being is that you have young children and you could use their help protecting your children from your STBX-WW's nonsense. You also will end up, as a bonus, casting some doubt on STBX-WW's story that you are the bad guy here and she was just a lonely sad woman seeking comfort from someone else. Maybe you could send one of your in-laws a text.

I saw what you wrote about not wanting to risk your getting at least partial custody. And...maybe your in-laws wouldn't even consider it the contents of your communication that is, due to blood being thicker than water, or maybe when it comes to your STBX-WW the apple just doesn't fall far from the tree. It still could really end up helping in keeping your children safe though as you don't know for sure. At the very least I'd bring up this point up at least one more time with your attorney, asking again if it is OK if you let your in-laws know, and on why you should say something.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:09 PM, Monday, June 29th]