SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hung out with a friend a few nights ago, where we talked about a lot of things. He's one of the guys who helped me through discovering the affair. So, we did get closer, and it did help that he was going through a betrayal situation (Not an affair, but major lies) with his now ex. He started dating someone new, someone who's a little older and I guess the topic of kids came up. On whether they wanted kids and if they did, obviously timing is important. And also, it's something you have to discuss with potential long-term partners. Which led to the conversation to whether I wanted kids.

Long story short, before the affair. My wife and I always were 50/50 on having kids. Both of us work in jobs that see the worst of humanity, some of it directly deals with abuse towards kids. So, it was always up in the air if we ever did want kids. That and the ever cost of raising one in this economy. Obviously, after an affair a lot of things change and how see things.

I know some of you had kids when affairs did happen and I do believe reading someone's post about having a kid after. And kids are a big responsibility, where a lot of communication and trust has to exist between the parents. I was wondering how the conversations regarding kids after everything went.

Did you guys change anything regarding the topic? Stay the same? And so on.

Obviously, reconciliation is treating this phase as a new relationship. So, having this discussion again is obviously going to happen again and has to.

Her affair partner had a bad habit to film prostitutes (also girls he could catch so guess who?) unprotected sex.

The fat lard pig gave her a STD so she got infertile (As in denial, only cured it recently) and had 2 abortions.
We adopted.
A wonderful girl, only reason I am waiting and watching.

I guess you can still have kids if you feel the need, in my case that was the price she paid for her PA.
Kids are an amazing thing, no matter what it's something you can't replace in life.

Of course I did not give up my own kids, only thing left to decide is with who.

Not me, but WF and her H had a baby after her 3 year LTA. They also moved to avoid AP's location.

They are not doing well, and I suspect she is getting into another A.

BackfromtheStorm

From your story the aspect of infertility that came from your wife's infidelity is one of the harsher that I have seen here. I am glad that you have awakened from the deep apathy (is that the correct word?) and shitty treatment that you have been existing in. There is one bitter-sweet aspect of your painful journey that I am shy to point out, but I will take the risk. If it didn't happen, your daughter might have been lost in the foster system, where she wouldn't get any real love, or she would get parents that don't have the means to help her. One innocent human got something tremendous out of it. In the effort to fill the gaps you saved a whole little universe. It is something extraordinary.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 10:15 PM, Monday, May 4th]

If we want to see the bright side yes.

Also healing from betrayal healed my childhood trauma as well, so now I’m the regulating force for my daughter and in the last few months her trauma is also progressing very well, she is much stronger and I finally see she can heal too.

My wife, she truly would like to have my child, I just don’t know what about it, I don’t plan, now she is healed (from the std) but it will be more difficult than in her 20s.

We’ll see, until she heals from the cheater traits I really don’t care about what will be or make any future plans with her, I will just keep my observation period and then move on or give her a chance if I see any improvements.

Whatever will be it will be fine.

Thanks itiswhatitis.
It was ptsd, so not really apathy but dissociation. I am not infertile, she was, right now it seems ok. She was in denial about it, I think she just realized what her affair partner gifted her besides humiliation and damaging our relationship for life. I am surprised I didn’t pour salts in her wounds and said nothing, I would have totally done that in the past.
Even if I think it hurts her more my silence, but she has to voice it herself, not me.

I kind of saw my adoptive daughter as a big gift from this trash experience

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:01 PM, Monday, May 4th]

Looking for the bright side in difficult situations has kept me going through the worst times in my life.

I read a bit through your comment history and I will write down what I think about your situation. I am writing it, because you are still with your wife (for the kid?) and investing time, even if you are in a limbo. Sorry if I am wrong and sorry for hijacking the thread. Your wife has very deeply rooted issues and you have high expectations comparatively to how she is wired. Likely you won't find a therapist that will guide her towards what you want without your investment in the process. Even a good therapist will be content with far less then you want. She probably won't get it if you don't explain what you need a 100 times explicitly until she can hopefully absorb it. I understand if you are sick of all that BS, but you are investing your most valuable resource, which is the time of your life, so maybe it would be worth to do a readjustment.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 12:27 AM, Tuesday, May 5th]

Interesting, Like that.

My wife has low self worth and people pleasing issues as her basis for flaws ( roots)

Right now she has improved on the people pleasing, meaning she is setting finally some boundaries.
Low self worth is also better but I sense a lot of work.

If our daughter wasn’t here I would be gone, not as a reaction but as a waking up from the limbo of trauma, our relationship was dead the moment she betrayed, I tried to resurrect something that was done, and you can’t carry a relationship or change someone who can’t value and love themselves, they will drag you down and so she did.

The weight of the pain from betrayal made me weak, I became the low self worth people pleaser for her. Basically instead of me making her stronger to meet me and raise together, she found a way to level us through betrayal, downward.

The problem for me is that I needed to be demolished in my intimate identity to get there, so she could feel equal.

Because if you love someone that somebody must be lower in value than you are (that’s what her messed up nervous system learned in her family of origin, and at least that is changing at last).

Now about me rebooted:

I don’t think I have high expectations, I simply accept people for who they are today now. But I don’t want to take anything less than a girl who can match me at my level and meet me where I am today.

That’s nothing more than a natural boundary, I am happy to allow a partner in my own path in life if she is willing to keep up and walk together. I can offer a hand, but no more allowing to be dragged in the mud.

So is not exactly expectations, is simple direction with boundaries. I had razed my life to the ground and annihilated myself 3 times for this woman. That’s on me, she chose infidelity, I chose trauma bonding.

I’m back to my square one self, just shed my previous traumas too, so I feel obviously far stronger than ever, because I am. Rebuilding an entire life in my 40 where I left it when I met her.
That is, lifestyle, business, new companies because that’s what I ended up being good at, ideas, fundraising and innovation and I am doing it for myself for the first time in life.

I am not even sick of her BS, not because is not annoying, it surely is, I am simply not reactive anymore, I respond to people according to my own wishes now.

She knows it and she knows I like her, I am potentially open to meet her if she can catch up, if she can’t or doesn’t want, is also fine, I have tons of options today, just nobody that is interesting enough to elicit moving on.

I keep her posted, our relationship is over but my full transparency is not negotiable, if I meet a girl who I really want, I tell her before pursuing anything first.

If she can’t be the one, so be it, it’s fine either way