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I'm six months past the most recent D-Day, and my divorce from WH was recently finalized. My college aged kids are totally estranged from their father, and my daughter is back home from school for the summer, living with me.

We have been adjusting to the usual things that come with a college student - who got used to tons of freedom during the school year - being back home for the first time and having to exist as part of a family unit. Plus, there is the new dynamic of the "family" now being me, plus her. No dad.

She's been very independent all summer, but in recent days, her independence has seemed almost directed against me. As in "I'm going to go out of my way to ignore you, to not talk to you, to be indifferent to you." I asked her about it today, and she shared a lot of anger which culminated in "you can't replace dad, and that sucks, but that's how it is and you need to stop trying."

I was taken aback, as the idea of replacing her dad has never crossed my mind. I've tried to be supportive of her during this difficult time, but it seems like despite her total estrangement from her dad, she feels like having any relationship with me is disloyalty to him. Or she's processing her grief and anger at him, and she's taking it out on me. I came across the term "loyalty bind" online, and it sounds very much like what could be happening here.

My heart aches for her. She's in IC, so I'll ask her if she's talking about this in IC and encourage that. And I can reassure her that no matter how complicated her feelings are for her dad, I'm never going to replace him and would never try. And I definitely don't want her to resent me in years to come if she feels that in some way I was tacitly encouraging her to choose between parents. I'm bending over backwards NOT to do that, but it seems like in her pain, she's attributing a lot of things to me.

Thoughts? Experiences to share? After the blow-up of my marriage and family, I can't begin to bear the thought of her going through even more grief and pain than I'd realized.

I didn't have kids with my ex but my parents are divorced. From that perspective, I can tell you that children will typically unload their anger on whoever they perceive as the "safe parent." I think she's directing at you all things she wants to say to him, but can't. I'm sure that hearing from her friend about how her father is going around the town where your former vacation cottage is with his new girlfriend had to really sting. She probably feels like she was replaced.

More importantly, I think she really needed to hear "I love you, I know you're hurting, and I'll always have your back"... but instead of being vulnerable and explicitly asking for that reassurance, she lashed out at you in order to provoke that response. As someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent, and was used to being gaslit, manipulated, and having my feelings minimized, I personally struggled as a young adult to communicate my feelings in straight-forward, healthy ways. I suspect that your daughter is going through the same thing.

The only thing I can advise in this situation is to give her the space that she needs, and make yourself available to her if and/when she needs to talk. And then just listen. Maybe you could also write her note just telling her that you love her, she's been heard, and that no matter what happens, she can rely on you for anything.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:20 AM, Thursday, July 3rd]

Disclaimer-no children.

You mention the freedom of college life and adjusting to the two of you for the summer. It’s possible that she was able to—just by being out of the house—successfully compartmentalize that the divorce was not really affecting her or happening. Even though logically she knew it was.

Friends, school, social activities, etc. are a great way to avoid thinking about the difficulties of her life.

Now that she is back home, it’s in her face 24/7. Dad’s not around and she knows why. So yes, as the safe one, you may be bearing the brunt of her pain.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 11:33 PM, Wednesday, July 2nd]