This is my first post and I don’t know what to say, so I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I apologize in advance for the length of my post, but I figure I’d rather put it all out there.
My WW and I met when we were 17. We became best friends and I fell in love with her, but I got stuck in the friend zone. We split ways and both got married and had families. 20 years later, I ran into her in court and I couldn’t believe my ears when her name was called. I waited outside for her and introduced myself to her again. We both look very different now and she didn’t recognize me. In fact, the only reason I recognized her was her first name is really unique. She was divorced, but I was still married, unhappily, but married.
Long story short, we met for a drink to catch up and all my feelings came back to me. I was the WH for about a year before I finally pulled the trigger and got a divorce. The reason that this is important is that not only was our relationship born out of infidelity, but I took so long to pull the trigger on the divorce that it caused a lot of resentment on her part with my ex.
For many years, my current WW was very difficult on me and any dealings I had with my ex. Picking up kids, support, etc.. I didn’t want to argue so I did a lot of lying to cover up things I was doing. Stupid things like I picked up the kids on her day to drop them off or I gave extra money to pay for things I would pay for anyway. It wasn’t what I was doing, it was that I lied that caused issues. I was weak and didn’t want the drama, so I figured it was easier to ask for forgiveness, then ask for permission.
In the end, there was a lot of mistrust on her part, and rightfully so. I did eventually change my ways, but the hurt was always there. Skipping ahead, after about 7 years of marriage, we got into one of the worst arguments of our marriage over something dumb, but it was ugly. She left, didn’t talk to me for days and then told me she was coming back home, and expected me to be gone when she got there. I left, and went to stay at my parents’ home. During this time, a woman I barely knew reached out to me. She wanted to ask some legal questions (I’m a lawyer) and we agreed to meet up for drinks to talk about it. It was stupid, but she was a bit flirty and in my weakened state, I took the bait. We did go out for drinks and as I walked her to her car afterwards, she kissed me. I stopped it, but not soon enough. I never told my wife, though I should have, and after we patched things up, we got back to normal. 2 years later, it finally came up and I told her. It destroyed her and she became extremely paranoid, rightfully so, and eventually when she went home to Texas to visit family, she had a PA. I suspected something was going on, this was over one visit, but it continued by phone and text afterwards. Eventually, about 4 months later, she told me and what made it worse was that it was with her 2nd Cousin!
When she told me, it was over already, but it still killed me. She stopped contact with him, but I don’t think it was out of choice. I believe there was a falling out and that’s what ended it. We did patch things up, but since then, and this was in 2021, we have been rocky.
2 years ago in 2023, I got caught in another stupid lie, about some car parts I bought and didn’t tell her about. Stupid, petty, but completely uncalled for on my part. It drudged up a lot of old wounds and she moved out and filed for divorce. For the past two years, we have still not finalized the D. We have been working hard on reconciling, I’ve gone to IC and asked her to as well, along with MC, but she won’t go "because I’ll just lie." I’ve put in the work and as of two weeks ago, things had gotten better than ever with us.
On a side note, the only thing that, according to her that needed to change as of two months ago was that I tell her the truth about my financials. Somehow, she has gotten it in her head that I have hidden assets, accounts, property, you name it. I do not. She claims to have proof, and I’ve asked to see it or to take it to whatever institution these assets are at to prove they don’t exist or sign them over to her, but she refuses. She wants to hear it from me and no denying is ever enough, even though I’m telling the truth. She also wants me to admit all the women I’ve cheated on her with. But other than the woman that I kissed, I have never, ever, been with another woman, our whole marriage. Again, she claims she heard me getting a BJ from a client at the office while she was there, and heard me on a Bluetooth call that connected to her car. None of that ever happened. Her son even admitted it was him on the phone but she says he’s probably covering for me. She even went into my Facebook account and found some "Live Girls" chats in the spam folder and says that’s proof I’m doing that. Again, I’m not. A group I’m in on Facebook got hit with a spam account that messaged everyone before getting kicked out. She’s convinced, however. Honestly, I’d admit to anything if I thought it would fix things, but I’ve done that in the past and it only proves her "intuition" right and causes me more problems down the road.
I suspect a lot of this has to do with issues from past drug abuse and current alcohol abuse. She also suffers from anxiety that has been diagnosed and I suspect there may be other mental health issues at play given her extreme highs and extreme lows, her gambling has gotten out of control and her daughter died about 5 years ago and she never has dealt with it.
That brings me to the present. 2 months ago, she had a couple of relatives die. This was in May, when her daughter’s birthday and Mother’s Day fall. That’s always a tough time for her. She was drinking A LOT. She decided to go back to Texas to the funeral and visit another aunt that she has there with dementia, before she’s gone. While she was there, she ended up seeing her cousin that she had an affair with. I know they hadn’t spoken in 5 years but they ended up talking and patching things up. A month later, her father was going to Texas too, so she told me she was going to go with him again to see other relatives. Now that I knew she was in touch with this cousin, I told her I was really uncomfortable with her seeing him and she reassured me, told me she loved me, that is as anxiety history and to trust her. I did. Things really were better than ever with us and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
She called me every day and every night. Throughout the day even. Told me she loved me, told me her family missed me and that she was telling them how much she loved me too. Some of them got on the phone to confirm that she really was saying all this. This was for a week and it was nonstop contact. The day I picked her up from the airport, I got a random text from her. I had been texting her and she responded. "Whatever cousin fucker!" It made no sense and she immediately texted that she meant that for someone else. She said it was to another cousin of hers that knew about what had happened with her other cousin before and that it was a running joke. I didn’t buy it, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
On the ride home from the airport, she looked over at me and told me how much she loved me and that she had decided that there was no reason for us to get divorced and that we should call it off. I was ecstatic. We went home and she was really drunk so I put her to bed and that was that.
The next day, she was out running errands and she called me. She sounded really off, drunk basically. But this was 9 in the morning. She said she wanted to get food and get her nails done. She called me a bit later from the restaurant and said she hadn’t eaten but was drinking and going to get her nails done. Then she called me after her nail appointment saying she couldn’t find her car. She was toasted. I told her I’d go get her but she ended up driving home and when I got there, she was laying down and said she needed a nap. She took some ambien or Xanax, even though you don’t mix those with alcohol and I left to go take my son to a football game.
While I was picking him up, she called me and sounded awful. She told me, "I took them all". "Took all what?" I asked. That’s when she told me she took all her Ambien and Xanax pills. I rushed home, called 911 and the paramedics and police arrived. She told them that she wanted to kill herself and they put her on a 5150 hold for 3 days. This was one day after coming back from Texas. June 17.
That first night in the hospital, they said she would be ok. I found her empty pill bottles and realized she took a lot of Ambien, but took her antidepressants instead of Xanax so she wasn’t in danger. She was completely out of it though. Her phone was blowing up for hours and I tried to turn it off or down, but I couldn’t get it to do anything. At that point, I grabbed her hand, unlocked her phone with her fingerprint and went to silence it. I saw that the person blowing up her phone was her cousin that she had had an affair with, 5 years ago,. I’m not proud, but make no apologies, I looked at her text messages. That’s when I saw everything. They had been messaging since her first trip 2 months ago. They had been having sex while she was in Texas. He would sneak out and go to her hotel after everyone was settled in their rooms and see her. He’s married too, with kids. The entire time that she was there, texting and calling me, she was having sex with him too. I couldn’t believe it. She was basically unconscious and I went home.
The next day, I got a call from the nurse saying she wanted her phone. I told her I took it along with everything else because they said she can’t have anything while on suicide watch,. The nurse told me a phone would be ok so I went to see her at the hospital. This was the day of her son’s high school graduation, and she was getting mad at me and blaming me that she couldn’t attend. I told her she is the one that attempted suicide, but not to worry, I would be there. Then I told her that her phone was blowing up and that it was her cousin. What she said, really struck a nerve. She told me that I should have answered it. The past it water under the bridge. I lost it and told her I know about everything. I quoted some of the worst things sexually, the pictures, and the fact that she told him she’s never loved anyone as much as him. Then I walked out.
She called me so many times and I didn’t answer but eventually did and we just argued. She told me, it was my fault, that I never told her all the truth and that we had been separated for 2 years and I should have known this would happen. I told her we were reconciling and she had told me she wanted to stop the divorce 2 days ago. She said she loved him but she loved me too and was confused. I knew she was in a tough spot after trying suicide, so I put everything on hold until she was released.
Since then, we have had several conversations but the bottom line is that she doesn’t know what to do,. She loves us both and can’t make up her mind. Besides, she knows it would never work and would tear up the family if everyone found out, I told her I was going to let his wife know and she freaked out. Begged me not to. He even called her and said he wanted to talk to me to apologize for this, but i refused. I told her this is insincere and just damage control on everyone’s part. I said I will be telling his wife, but would give her some time to tell her family herself, We have gone through the typical lack of remorse and accountability, She continues to blame me, and I’m so hurt and angry. I haven’t been able to control my emotions.
I told her that I will fight for my wife, but I won’t fight over her. I have no desire to be in an open marriage and that she needs to stop talking to him. She wasn’t having that. She said that she can’t decide what she wants anymore. She’s hurting and confused. Clearly, if she attempted suicide, and I’m trying to be understanding, without being a doormat. So I told her not making a choice, IS making a choice. That if she chooses to have him in her life, then she is choosing not to have me. It had to be him or me. There would be no friendship between us.
3 nights ago, she called me at like 1:00 am. She told me that she had made a decision. She was going to stop everything. She’s was not going to be in a relationship with him and she was not going to be in a relationship with me. She was going to take time to fix herself and get healthy. I told her that’s great that she wants to fix herself, but unless you’re cutting off contact with him completely, there is no difference with the status quo. He’s thousands of miles away. There is nothing but phone and texting. Stopping seeing me is just choosing him. That was the end of the call and the next day, she and I didn’t talk at all.
She then calls me yesterday, out of the blue. She said that she called to let me know that she loves me and that she’s going to be MIA for a few days, cleaning herself up. She didn’t say anything, but her brother told me that she mentioned she hadn’t had a drink in days, so that’s a good thing. Today, she called me asking if i could send her groceries because her son has the car. I did.
I really don’t know what to do or what to think. I was a dead set on cutting her out of my life last week, but like a lot of people, you don’t know how you’ll react until it happens to you. I forgave what happened 5 years ago because I accepted that a lot of my choices may have opened that option for her. I let it go. But having it happen again is too much. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I miss her. I am hoping that sobering up will help her think clearl 
, but like I told her, we may be able to repair this, but there are no guarantees. The only way will be to stop all contact and both of us put in 100%. We may come out stronger than before or we may still end up apart, but unless we commit, there is no chance. All she says is that I have to prove it first, but coming clean about the things she thinks I did but didn’t.
I’m so sorry for this book I wrote. I don’t even know what my question is or what I need. I’ve ready every sticky on this board and I can’t decide what I want to do. I’ve had opportunities thrown in my face over these past 2 weeks with other women, but I know that’s not the answer. I just want to heal, but don’t know if I can. I want my family back together, and I don’t know if it’s possible, I want to let the wife of the OM know, but then it will get back to my WW’s dad and that will blow things up. UGH!!!
