SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-day was three years ago. Hard to believe. A friend texted me this morning asking how I was handling the antiversary, and I honestly hadn’t even noted it until they asked. And even now with it in my mind it has no real effect on my heart. Thru great anguish, she has been fully excised from my heart. I am free from triggers. I am still sad sometimes, but nothing like the first two years of R attempts.

We have been living under the same roof this whole time. It’s complicated unraveling lives this integrated. It’s kept me with my kids full time and saved some money. But as of Tuesday, we will be living separately. It is bittersweet, but I still hold that it is the least bad option I had in front of me. I am encouraged by my relationship with my kids. I’m dating a wonderful woman who is emotionally mature and it’s incredible. Life looks full of potential, even if I’m no spring chicken.

I cannot say enough about this community. I have thanked you before but to really convey my gratitude I need to just keep saying it. Life changing, life saving, life giving.

To those in the middle of it, it is my hope and prayer for you that you find peace and wholeness again. You are in a perilous position and you need to take decisive action to heal, passivity will not serve you well. I know well the impossible choice and I shame no one for waffling. But my grandfather’s saying "either shit or get off the pot" seems appropriate. Once the trauma abates, choose a path and give it hell. And whether that choice is R or D, I think the best we can do is heal and be a person that reflects our best inner values, even thru the betrayal.

I’ll end with my signature, people are more important than the relationships they are in. Every one of you suffering out there, you are a miraculous spark within the universe. These relationships are meant to make our brief lives a little bit better, not completely destroy them. Don’t let your one precious and wild life be wasted in misery from the evil actions of a betrayer. You can be free of it, I can personally attest to that.

Reading this update is a really nice way to start the day!

Spring chickens lack our hard earned wisdom, and I think it pairs well with your awesome potential kind sir.

Any healthy path to the other side of infidelity Hell is a great thing, and it sure sounds like you’re seeing some light.

You even offered a person a last chance, even if she didn’t seem to want it.

Standing up for you and your kids, that takes a tremendous amount of strength, but look who we’re talking to — InkHulk!

Good for you, I hope your healing continues!

Great update and a testament to the healing that can happen, even if it looked really bleak at points.

Glad things are going well, and I think you will enjoy living apart from your WS a lot.

Great update !
You give hope to many broken hearted and people who need encouragement, that there is a better life waiting for all of us after experiencing so much pain and hopelessness . A hope that one day we can be happy again , R or D.

IH, even when you received some harsh advice, you stayed true to your principles, and I admire you for that. It sounds like things are going well and wishing you all the best.

It is hard to believe it's been 3 years. Looking forward to hearing about living separately goes. Truly, life without my XWH has been so much better.

I'm so glad things are going well for you. My 3-year antiversary is less than half a year away, and I hope I'm doing even half as well as you are by then.

I'm really happy for you brother. I'm not posting much as an "old timer" without much to offer to conversation anymore. But I'm still reading and still care about the hurting souls in this forum. And my heart is warm hearing that you charted your course, and it seems to be finally bearing good fruit in your life. I'm continuing to pray for your future and the life you're creating for yourself and your children.

Marine, I feel a bond to you and HINHF that I have to imagine is something like comrades in arms (though I am no veteran and have no intention of stealing valor here). I know you have much wisdom to share, and I also know you have a ton of pain to put somewhere. You do you, but I’d love to hear from you more.

Thank you all for the kind words. I’m honored to be member of this shittiest club of all time.

That is such an awesome update, IH. You have everything in front of you; keep moving towards it.

I am really happy to hear that you are happily moving on @InkHulk, although I understand the journey to get to the point you are at now was brutal. Onward and upward....

This is a great update, InkHulk!

And I'm not in the least bit surprised that someone scooped you up in the dating market.

You're an asset to this site and you have a lot of valuable insight and advice to offer people who are just starting their journey.

It only gets better from here. I remember wondering around the time I got married again, why I had put up with so much for so little from my first wife. Best of luck as you step free of your ex's failures.

I "moved out" today. We are doing a nesting agreement where she and I swap weeks in the house but the kids stay there full time. This is the first time ever that I have legally been unable to be with my children. I hate it. Life will settle into a new normal, but this is a sad moment.

(((InkHulk))) having split time with the kids was the hardest part of S/D for me. It took me a few years to get used to it. I made sure I practiced lots of self-care and tried to make myself busier on the weeks I didn't have them. Spent my time off with friends and my boyfriend. It does start to get better just takes time.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:47 PM, Tuesday, July 1st]

This is the first time ever that I have legally been unable to be with my children. I hate it. Life will settle into a new normal, but this is a sad moment.

Quality over quantity. Shift as much non-kid stuff to the weeks they are with mom to allow you to squeeze as much quality parent/kid time as you can in your weeks with them.

You've spent the last 3 years focusing your time and emotional energy on trying to drag your wife kicking and screaming through reconciliation, and then dealing with the divorce. While all this was going on, you tried so hard to put up a brave face for your children and shield them (at least to the extent that you were able) from the constant drama with your ex-WW.

You might have less time with your kids on a day to day basis, but you're going to be more emotionally available and mentally present for them now than you were when this whole ordeal started. They will get the best of you, rather than whatever's left after you've dealt with your ex-WW's bullshit.

Think of the time that you are spending a part from your kids not as a loss, but as an opportunity for you to grieve and process your emotions in private without worrying about how your moods or behavior will impact them. Instead of rebuilding your relationship with your ex-WW, you will need to rebuild your relationship with yourself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:30 PM, Wednesday, July 2nd]

You have a good head and a good heart.

I think you will do okay.

InkHulk, your post was the encouragement I needed today. It says something tremendous about you as a person that even when you're struggling with your own hardship, you're here posting things to help lift others up.

And sending encouragement back as you adjust to life without your kids full time. That will take time, but I have no doubt you'll figure it out and do so with thoughtfulness and care.

We did the nesting thing for a year before the house sold. It was hell as my EXWW is a slob and it wouldvtake me three days of cleaning to get the house in order on my week. That being said, otcwas better for the kids.

The real healing began when I got my own apartment for from the source of my trauma. It became a sacred space of peace and safety.

One benefit of week on week off was that I had a week to focus on mysrlf and then a week to fully focus on my kids. I made sure I had a comfort meal cooking for their transition day, so they would associate coming to dad's place with positive memories.

As well, i enjoyed making my space uniquely mine, another benefit of being alone. Good luck and I hope you find your space.

Feels so good to hear you are doing well!