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@wearingthehorns

"I really had to struggle to hold my tongue. What he did was wrong and I’ll never try to defend it, but what she did for significantly longer is an order of magnitude worse. I came close to letting her have it but decided it wasn’t going to change anything so why bother. But it’s eaten at me that’s for sure. Sometimes I think regardless of how much progress they make that waywards will never truly understand what exactly it was they did to us."

The things my WW has said and done is mind boggling to me for sure, but she said something to me a couple of days ago that stuck with me and I believe it is valid in this case, and possibly explains (not excuses) what is going through their heads when they make these comments.

I asked her "If you truly felt guilty and ashamed of your first affair like you say, how did you let yourself have another 13 years later?" she answered I believe honestly "After about 9 years I forgot the guilt and never really thought about it much again."

She too has made comments and shown disgust to others when cheating is revealed or discussed in the past, we even watch the Ashley Madison documentary together and she was horrified (now I know it was horrified at herself, just not enough to stop). I think if we make it work, and that is a really big if, I will always let her know when she is being hypocritical because her own admission states that after a period of time they forget the guilt and pain, but we are stuck with the tab forevermore. I think it is important to let them know how we feel about it, not in a vindictive way nor abusive, rather to show that even though the feelings fade and lessen for them we are always left with the real severe pain.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not stuck with the pain forever.

Yes the abuse was painful and you will always remember what a rape of your soul it was while you endured it.

But the pain also disappears when you heal, only the memories stay as a memento.

Connection is likely an individual response, seems for some it came back stronger.
For me it faded into irrelevance.

No idea yet as healing is fresh, but the pain is gone, I can vouch that you will not have to deal with it forever.

That is fair Im less than a month out from the last timeline detail. Pain hasn't faded at all for me but connection is almost non existent now

I came close to letting her have it but decided it wasn’t going to change anything so why bother. But it’s eaten at me that’s for sure.

Brother, you just asked a question and then answered it in the very next sentence.

I completely understand the anger and outrage. This is one of those situations in which an artfully delivered 2x4 is certainly warranted. When you've calmed down and thought about how and why her attitude and comments have triggered you, deliver that 2x4.

I'm sure you're well aware that this situation with your son and his wife are apt to trigger all sorts of thoughts and feelings for both of you. These triggers, left unspoken and unresolved, will change things between you two. I'm guessing that they already have, judging by your recent posts about this situation.

So, why not bother? What's holding you back?

Gemmy, it’s interesting that your W made the admission about forgetting about the chaos her A caused. I’ve thought for years mine had apparently done a bang up job of forgetting about hers and going on with life as though it never happened. I always thought how nice it would be to have the ability to do that. Unfortunately as the betrayed that’s not our lot in life.

I was thinking about that before I logged on and an idea occurred to me. A truly awful idea. When I confronted her after discovery one of the things she said was that she thought I was cheating so why shouldn’t she? Needless to say that’s a steaming pant load of shit as that’s a hard line that I would never cross. I could never cheat if for no other reason than I could never be that cruel. Of course I dismissed it as her trying to rationalize the irrational. Over the years though, I’ve wondered if she maybe actually did believe that. It may be that she convinced herself enough that she actually came to believe it because it takes the burden of responsibility off of her. There’s times I’ve felt she’s looked at me with suspicion when I’m on my phone for instance. Maybe not, but it’s a vibe I’ve gotten from her on occasion. That lead to a terribly cold hearted idea. Confirm her worst fear. Confess to an A that never happened. Let her find out what this is like. At some point admit that it was a lie and that I just wanted her to have a taste of what the years since d-day have been like for me. Of course what makes it a terrible idea is that she’d latch onto it like a dog with a bone and she’d finally consider herself vindicated. If she gave it a moment’s thought though she’d realize that I would never be able to pull off having an A. It takes way more planning and scheduling than I’m capable of, plus I’m the world’s worst liar. But there’s a part of me that would really enjoy seeing her go through that. But once again, I’m not that cruel.

Wearing the horns,

It hits them hard, of course it does.

Without even any affairs we had a breakup when she betrayed me in a PA and decided to go for the AP as her partner (she didn’t, she would have kept both guys on to farm validation, me the official one that is cool to show around and the fat guy as her "distraction " as she called him, but I couldn’t, so when I said we should split, she agreed, as she always does…. Fkin people pleasing…..).

It lasted about 2 months, once it was him her official "boyfriend " (guy was a prostitute fan hence the quotes) it quickly changed in her eyes.

- well he is fat and smelly

- rather greasy and selfish

- he is not that smart after all

- pretty ugly not just on the outside, but inside as well. Not a person you want to introduce to family and friends or show around

- kind of does not give me a fraction of what my ex gave me emotionally, I feel invisible now

Like often happens it collapsed and she came back crawling to me.

Now I have had about 11 casual girls in that period, back to my old messed up coping of models and pretty faces, and I fell into trauma bonding with an actress, girl number 12, who immediately became exclusive and was my girlfriend number 4 (I left her immediately when my wayward contacted me back, that’s why I know it was trauma bonding).

A few were models and there was also a "miss" of those national beauty contests in the rooster.

When she found that she crushed badly.

She can’t help to compare herself against those, and honestly she doesn’t stand out from the others as far it goes for surface level female attractiveness. The reason why she was the most beautiful woman in the world for me was not her appearance, she is very pretty but that’s not what made me love her.

Besides that humiliation she developed an obsession for the actress as she felt replaced by her, and that is still a thing 18 years later.

So no cheating on my end and that’s the effect. Can just imagine how hard would be if you throw her this bone, it would eat her inside.

But the better question is:

Why would you lie her?

It brings you nothing but lowering your self to her level of liar and cheater. It gives her a phantom to feel your pain and she will also cling on it to feel less shame. But you end up becoming a liar.

I can understand the petty revenge. I am also flawed as I can indulge into revenge against who wronged me or those I care for, so I understand that little demon well. Done it many times.

But if you want to give her what she truly deserve do this instead of lying:

Leave her.

Fin a hot 20 something girl that is beautiful, lovely, emotionally healthy and caring.

Marry her, make a lot of children, make her happy and allow her to make you happy

Be 2 safe and trustworthy partners and live the rest of your lives in peace and happiness

On a clean slate.

You may want to flaunt it under your ex wife nose, but it is also kind of pointless. She will know, believe me she will know, they always do.

And frankly I think when you do that you just don’t care about what your ex wayward feels anymore, if you do then you are doing wrong to the new girl.

You can have your revenge and it will be best become it is no longer a reveng, just moving forward.

Is just Karma.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:03 AM, Wednesday, May 6th]