I was sitting here reading others’ posts, and wondering why my BH has reverted back to not sharing his feelings or talking about the infidelity, even when I sense he is thinking about it and… well, "pry" is the word that comes to mind, but idk if it’s the right one. I don’t think I have ever demonstrated any unwillingness to talk about it. But then it occurred to me: he has expressed to me certain behaviors of mine that trigger suspicion, as he ties them to my infidelity, logically or not, and I have fallen back into the habit of doing a lot of them. I’m sure that doesn’t suggest to him that I care about his feelings, and probably reinforces whatever infuriating little voice in his head that is telling him his feelings are unreasonable and repetitive and he should keep them to himself, as he has described it to me. I have been so stupid!!
I logically know that I’m stuck in a cycle of struggling with my own feelings and mental health, which leads me to turn to these behaviors as a coping mechanism. Those two things have some overlap with my behavior during the affair, so I can absolutely see why these things trigger him. I don’t mean to come off as dismissive at all here— like I totally get it and want to quit doing these things. I’m just struggling with it. And I think the more I engage in these behaviors, the more my BH distances himself emotionally, and the more unloved and alone I feel, and the more I turn to my coping mechanisms. I just need to break the cycle somewhere. I have IC in about an hour, and hopefully my therapist and I can figure out a solution then. And obviously an apology and some communication with my BH is in order until I can implement it.
Our relationship has been so rocky lately, and I won’t lie, divorce has crossed my mind several times in the last couple months after some really gnarly arguments. At the same time, I’m absolutely terrified of it. I have felt so out of control and confused and lost for such a long time. This could be a great opportunity to take accountability on my part, and in doing so, maybe regain some sense of control. Please, if any of you could be so kind to pray for me or send those kind of hopeful or encouraging vibes into the universe on my sorry behalf, I would appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.
