SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've requested my WH provide me with a timeline of his affair. Places, dates and money spent. It's been five months and the story keeps changing or truth trickling occurs. Every new revelation sets me back to the D1 shock. I'm so tired of it and just want to move on with my life and process all the emotions and anxiety without the constant changing and destabilising stories.

He does seem to be struggling emotionally with the task of going through texts and bank statements. He is in therapy dealing with his personal issues but doesn't seem to have dealt with anything around the affair. Part of me feels guilty for requesting he face his actions and the fallout. And the other part feels angry that he gets to hide behind poor mental health and drug use while I received the full impact of his affair and gaslighting including dealing with his mistress.

I appreciate any thoughts as always.

What happens after D-day can tremendously influence the choice to R or D. I really wanted to R. But a steady stream of trickle truth, lies, defensiveness, you know, all the regular wayward bullshit, it accumulated and broke me down. That stuff is so toxic, the Surgeon General should issue a warning. It’s not a deficiency in you that you feel the way you feel in the face of these continued insults and injuries. If this is his best, you have to make a choice on whether that is enough for you, and it’s ok to say it’s not.

I've found the return and the way he tried to come back under a cover of misinformation as damaging as the affair to be honest. That has felt as manipulative as his behaviour during the affair.

I just want something concrete I can point to instead of the constant swirling and changing story that feels like manipulation in itself.

The affair kills the relationship.

Trickle truths are sabotaging the resuscitation process while the relationship is in the icu.

It’s a common tendency, maybe you could confront him and tell him that.
Might be more constructive to work on him being able to come clean fully instead of rushing and hurting you even worse.

Think about it, cause if the WS doesn’t get how bad trickle truths are, you are doomed right away. You better split today.

Have you told him this?
Does he know of the consequences of not giving you what you need?

He does. I haven't even framed it as potential reconciliation. The anxiety and panic attacks have got worse since the latest version of the night they got together. It was the first night of a school reunion. It's gone from a few hours from meeting to maybe a couple of hours to the introduction of " there was cocaine about, I don't know who's " to " she gave me the cocaine " to now essentially probably about an hour from starting to speak to being together.
I've said I need a timeline and the trickle truth to stop. Not because I have any inclination of getting back together at this point but because it's so destabilising.

His response is that it's very hard for him to think about that time because his behaviour is not defendable and he wasn't in his right mind. He won't leave the family home, I have no legal recourse to kick him out. I just feel the whole return, his admission he would never have told me a quarter of it if the mistress didn't get in touch and no reason why he ended it with her is just damaging me now. I just need it to stop and he knows.

Only suggestion I can give you from what I sense you are feeling is this:

Tell him to get his story together with zero trickle truths. Give him a timeline for getting clean or getting divorced.

That is when you will be talking to him again.

Then hard 180 his ass and start the timer.

I say this because I feel the exposure for you is toxic, damaging and he is still messing around and trying to protect his ego rather than to look at the irradiated wasteland that was your relationship after he nuked it.

Panic attacks and co are no good, signs of Ptsd .
You need to put yourself first girl, protect your emotions and not expect he will be of any help until he proves otherwise beyond any reasonable doubt.

180 and iron boundaries, he knows what you need, the truth. It’s a simple task, the only way he could fuck it up is if he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to repair as much as to excuse his choices to preserve his ego.

You are worthy a lot more.
Big hugs

Thanks for the replies.

I've reaffirmed I need that timeline. Ignored the mention that it's had to cause him to have an extra therapy session to cope with it. Told him his emotions are his to deal with and to date the affair and return have all been done on his terms by playing the mental health card. That this timeline is a respect he can show me after being dragged along in his mess without my consent.

And just carrying on with what I need now.

Trickle truth is death by a thousand cuts. Every new detail or change of story is a reboot of the terrible trauma you and I and all of us have suffered. It is piling on and piling on. About 70% of people whose spouse committed adultery have PTSD. Dennis Ortman wrote a book called Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD). He wasn't trying to offer a new psychological symptom but to indicate that suffering the trauma of infidelity causes PTSD just like other severe traumas.

It sounds like the situation is still that your husband is still all about him. Selfish. I, too, never got a timeline. I provided my x-wife with all of the telephone records, bank records, charge card records, work time sheets, travel records of her 4-year adultery with a co-worker. One she supervised. I asked her repeatedly over months and months to fill in the blanks and tell me the story about it all. What I gave her was just facts. She needed to provide the rest. She never did.

I don't come back to SI much anymore, so I don't know if this book has been recommended. I highly recommend "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. Linda is a counselor who has had a real-life experience of a spouse committing adultery. She also has written an essay called "The Cheater Meter" which you could probably find by googling the name or her name.

To me full disclosure was very important. Anything less indicated my x-wife was protecting herself. It was still all about her. After far too long we separated and the divorce was completed 2 and a half years later.

I'm so sorry you are facing this trauma. It is, arguably, the most traumatic or, at least, one of the most traumatic experiences one can experience. I gave my x-wife a very short list of things I needed from her, one being the full, complete timeline with feelings and emotions. I got none of them. After far too long we divorced.

That is going to be the tombstone of the Reconciliation.

Got infidelity, already killed the relationship.
Want to build a new one?

Tickle truth = keep being a liar = you are still the cheater

No relationship can ever be built on lies.

Is that simple, but the ego is often stronger, you can keep it as the main red flag if to Reconcile or not.
A very useful meter