I apologize in advance for how long this is. I've broken it up to try and make it as readable as possible.
So on Tuesday night, I put our kid to bed. I passed out while doing so and completely missed out on our evening time that we normally spend together. It happens sometimes and it's not normally a big deal, but the last couple days leading up to that I had been feeling a little distant/lonely/not loved even though we spend time together, are intimate, and she has been showing me love. She spotted me a couple times during that period zoning out, which was me thinking about the affair and things that happened afterwards, and would ask what's wrong. I would tell her I'm just tired and it's nothing because it was usually at dinner or in the evening when we were too tired to get into a big discussion if it was needed. I woke up when she came in and immediately was really upset with myself because I was really looking forward to that time together that night. I went to her side of the bed to cuddle for a bit but started crying. She asked what was wrong and I told her I wasn't mad at her, she did nothing wrong, and that I loved her so she wouldn't think I was. I also said we would talk about it later when we weren't so tired and she said ok. She gave me some comfort and I felt better before going to bed. By that time, things were happy and playful.
Yesterday on our way to couples therapy I brought it up. I told her I have been feeling distant and cried that night because I missed our time and was really needing it. I told her I need to feel wanted and reassured I was her man. I also told her that the night before, I felt wanted because she initiated sex, not so much the sex as it was her choosing to be with me. Told her I need to feel she is as deep in this as me. Her response was that she feels she has been putting in effort to make me feel wanted. She then said she gets irritated when I don't tell her what's wrong when she asks. I told her I planned on talking about it, but I didn't want to bring up the affair at dinner or when tired, but would start saying at least something. Then she went on to Christmas and how she now hates it because of my family and how she used to love it. In my mind I started thinking, "is this emotional manipulation? She just moved this right on away from what I'm telling her I need and right to her and what feels like is my fault." I said we would finish what I brought up and then we would here into the Christmas stuff. I wrapped up what I brought up and then she said we could get to the Christmas stuff after our appointment, but never did. I received no further reassurance at that point.
Had appointment.
On way home:
Just for context, at no point during any of this did I get defensive, argumentative, over emotional or anything. Just plain calm discussion trying to get her to actually talk to me.
Things just felt off. I asked if she wished we weren't married. Said no she did not wish that. Says she is still resentful toward me and it hasn't gotten better (she has said she is resentful before but always said it was getting better). She wants to bring it up at counseling doesn't know how. I asked why she is still with me, and she said because she loves me. I brought up that I need more out of her and told her she hasn't followed up on ic, that she had to be reminded by me to do the homework we are given by the therapist, and that I've had to ask her twice to start the book "how to help your partner recover from your affair". Her response was that she has started the book.
One of the things the therapist brought up was the "deposits" of good things from our relationship that we can draw from when bad things happen. She asked us both if we felt we had deposits to work from and we both said yes but I could tell she hesitated so I asked her about it and she said she doesn't know if there is really deposits made in our relationship.
I decided to ask about one of the things that has been bugging me over the last couple months. I told her that she didn't need to protect me, that I've already pictured it in my mind, that I've already felt the hurt, and gave her the reasons why I think it has happened and asked if they had sex. She swears they did not. The response seemed honest. I then asked about the bruise pictures that to me clearly looked like thumb/finger prints. Previously she would tell me she took the photos to send to her sister (there was just no way on a couple of them) She now admits that the bruise pictures were sent to him to see if he thought they were from him. She says he said no but then said maybe. She says he would squeeze her standing up outside of car in garage, stairwell at work, and the couple times they went to lunch. This now seems odd to me because previously she said they met up in the cars. It's hard to believe they would do this in plain view in the public. Plus the bruise locations don't really make sense for standing up. So there's a little trickle truth and the more I think about her answer the more I think I still don't have the full answer.
I asked if they've had contact. She says they haven't had contact, but admitted she did see him in court on Monday and they only said hello, nothing friendly. She says it gave her alot of anxiety. I've told her numerous times to tell me if they've crossed paths. She says she was afraid to tell me.
I decided to ask her about her friend at work that knew about this, was complicit to it. I asked when the last time was she and her talked about AP. She said it was about a month ago. I asked what they talked about. She then asked if she could be blunt and I said yes, to please be blunt. She said her friend is afraid I am going to tell her husband about her AP (both APs work for the same agency doing the same job and are friends. She says they have since broken up (convenient)). She says that's why she hasn't shared much about her discussions with friends at work. She says she's afraid to tell me about work stuff because of my comments about that place being a den of sin and a culture of everybody just cheating on their husbands/wives like it's no big thing. She says it makes her feel bad because she gets lumped in that group that she feels I think are bad people. I again thought to myself "is this manipulation? My question was what did her and her friend talk about." I told her maybe she should feel bad, and brought up a recent story where her and her friend at work were talking about how crazy and controlling another coworkers wife was:
It was presented to me like it was funny, the coworkers wife is crazy, and it's unfair to the poor guy. My response is not what she was expecting. That same coworker had just confessed to my wife's friend that I've already stated has an AP of her own, that he had a crush on her. They both do field work together regularly and the wife is never happy about it and the story relayed to me is always how crazy the wife is. I responded grumpily that maybe there's more to the story, maybe she has good reason to be that way, it's the same guy that literally just a couple days earlier confessed a crush to someone he works with.
I then brought the conversation back to my original question, what did she and her friend talk about a month ago about my wife's AP. My wife said she asked about not seeing her AP in court in awhile (red flag to me). Her friend learned through her AP that he was in training but now is back.
I brought up to her that I should be able to tell her to cut off contact with her friend and the other coworker but I haven't. I told her I should be able to ask her to quit her job and haven't. I asked her how am I supposed to feel comfortable with her when she is at work comfortably hiding their secrets and wanting to also hide them from me. I told her I don't think she would pick me over her job at this point.
We talked a little more and she says our entire relationship was her chasing me and me running and she knew that and now feels bad for resenting me for something she knew. I asked if she doesn't follow through with when I ask for specific reassurance or specific needs because of that resentment and she said yes. She says all she ever wanted was to just be loved. She feels broken.
Like I said in the title, I am no saint. I previously betrayed her with a porn addiction. I've dealt with this for about 22 years since I was in middle school. I never realized it was a problem until I met my wife. She asked about my porn usage. I haven't viewed porn in over 2 years at this point, probably closer to 3. I did have a slip up a little over two years ago where I was looking at women that would pop up on my Instagram feed, it was not porn but I shouldn't have been doing it. I felt bad and asked myself why did I just do that. We talked at that point 2 years ago and I admitted it to her. It was a big talk and I haven't had a slip up or urge since then even through all this. I felt like a piece of shit and still do because she was 6 months post partum which was a very difficult time for her. She says it was the lowest point in her life. I apologized again that I put her through that.
I was getting flushed at this point and overwhelmed with guilt and not knowing where to go from there so we shelved it. We held hands for the rest of the ride home and kissed and said we moved eachother before going inside.
Later:
More questions popped up in my head regarding her and AP having sex or not. If they didn't have sex why did she say to put a baby in her and she would have his kids? Why did they talk about making their own luck? Why will (insert nickname they had for said kid) be here before we know it?
I asked and she said she had a crush on him and thought it was sexy and funny and was drunk. She said the kid nickname was part of the joke. I asked if she would take a poly graph and she got mad and said I guess and shut down.
I let a little time go by and asked what was wrong. She said just trying to figure out where we were at since I came in hot? Are we fighting? I told her no we aren't fighting. I told her I just don't want anymore trickle truth. She swears again they didn't have sex. I asked why she said the have his kids thing. She said it was stupid and a joke. I told her it's hard to see it that way. I told her it also hurt that she tells me she doesn't want another kid but tells him that. Said she just doesn't know if she wants another one because of what happened with our son, it was a hard labor. I responded saying "but you'll have his ..." She asked me if I wanted another kid. I told her I wanted 4 (which she already knows) but would compromise for 2 (which we talked about and planned on for a long time), and would even be ok with the one, except for the fact that she said that to AP. I told her that hurts bad. She said she gets it. I then told her I don't believe she's truly remorseful. She started tearing up saying she IS sorry. Our kid got home at that time so I got up told her I'm not mad at her and love her and kissed her and she started breaking down.
After getting our kid situated, I came in later and she was still crying. I asked her what it was and she didn't want to talk about it right then, was tired. Might talk about it tonight after dinner so we shelved it.
Asked later, and she said she was crying because of how matter of factly I said she was not remorseful. She said she is and that she beats herself up over it. She then brought up how the book she's been reading for two days just says how bad of a person she is "how to help your spouse recover from your affair". (Manipulation to try and make me feel bad? I don't know anymore).
We went about our evening. Had a good evening, good dinner, normal talking, laughing, sharing stories, cuddled and watch our show, told either we loved eachother numerous times. When we got to bed I started feeling lonely and overwhelmed from the day. I started crying quietly to myself but she could tell and asked what was wrong. I told her I was sad and needed reassurance. She came and laid on me. The first thing she said was she was sorry she ruined our day. I said what are you talking about. She said she feels like she said something that ruined our day (is this manipulation?) I told her she didn't ruin the day. I told her us talking was good and thanked her for actually talking to me. I told her it won't always feel good but that it was in fact good. I asked her a little later for verbal reassurance, she told me she loves me, wants to be here, that I am her man and she wants to make me happy. I felt better after a bit and we went to sleep.
This morning was good. I'm feeling a little raw and down but ok. I thanked her for actually opening up yesterday, thanked her for the reassurance she gave me and told her I need more of it today especially unprompted stuff so we'll see what happens.
My thoughts are all over the place on this. I don't believe she's is by the definition here even close to actual remorse. We have a messed up situation though I guess because of my past. Reflecting on our conversations I can't help but think she tries to manipulate things back on to making me feel bad which used to work a lot better in the past, not so much now. I try look at things with more of an outside perspective now. I plan on talking with her and laying out clear expectations going forward with what I need from her. I'm going to explain I can't stay in this limbo forever. I'm on the edge of asking her to leave but want to express what I need first. If she can't or won't come to the party then it is what it is. I feel like I'm climbing a hill with the amount of effort I'm putting in and changes I'm making in myself and when I turn back to see where she is, she's still at the bottom of the hill.
