Hi everyone,
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and I've loved her by far more than anyone else in my life. About a year ago, I discovered the truth about what had been happening behind my back, and despite a year of active effort to repair the marriage, I’m still deeply struggling.
What I uncovered wasn’t a single betrayal. It involved a two-year affair, a one-night stand, and a deeply inappropriate emotional relationship with her ex-husband that spanned over a decade. There were also severe verbal betrayals, delayed discovery years after the fact, and several months of trickle truth. None of this was disclosed voluntarily, I was not given even small pieces of the truth and had to uncover everything myself and confront her with evidence.
During the affair, my wife and the affair partner communicated all day, almost every day. They exchanged explicit photos and videos, repeatedly said "I love you," and maintained an ongoing emotional and sexual relationship. They had sex in our marital bed while I was at work, multiple times. The affair partner was married as well. I did not learn about the affair until four years after it ended, and I did not learn the full truth about the ex-husband relationship until more than ten years later.
Another layer that has been extremely difficult to process is the verbal betrayal. I later learned that I was spoken about negatively, ridiculed, and made the butt of jokes to the affair partner, her ex-husband, and even friends. While I was being lied to, my character and worth were being dismantled behind my back. That aspect has been especially damaging because it attacks not just trust, but dignity and identity.
Because honesty wasn’t offered, I was forced into a detective role I never wanted. In the process, I was exposed to messages, explicit photos and videos, details of their fantasy-based affair and hookups, messages about the one-night stand, and messages where I was degraded behind my back. Each discovery retraumatized me. Even now, those images and messages replay in my mind against my will, intrusive and persistent, and it feels like my brain is still trying to process information it was never meant to absorb. The delay between the betrayal and discovery has made it feel like my entire past was quietly rewritten.
What complicates everything is that she is doing the right things now. She has cut off all contact with her ex-husband, the affair partner, and the one-night stand. She is fully transparent, has given me full access to her devices, shows genuine remorse, and has consistently treated me with care, respect, and accountability over the past year. I love the person she is now and I’m grateful for the changes she has made, but I cannot reconcile who she was and what she did with me while I trusted her completely. My issues aren't from what she is doing now at all, its rooted in what she did to me while engaging in these severe betrayals.
This has left me dealing with what feels like betrayal trauma: hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts and mental replay, emotional dysregulation, a nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight, numbness followed by waves of grief and anger, and an inability to trust anyone. Even after a full year of trying to heal and repair the marriage, this affects me daily and touches nearly every part of my life.
One additional conflict I’m struggling with is that the affair partner was married and his wife has never been told. I lived in the dark for years, making life decisions based on a false reality, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’m torn about whether telling her is the right thing to do and would appreciate perspectives from those who have faced that decision.
Thank you for reading and for any insight you’re willing to share.
