SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been seeing much lately (in various places) about forgiveness. Today there was an article in our Sunday newspaper about it, and in watching Shrinking (Apple TV series) the topic came up as well.

I will admit it took me years to forgive my H. I’d like to think about 5-6 years is the timespan.

The article I read this morning defined forgiveness as "the point where you no longer seek revenge even though you could act". I thought this was funny at first but then wondered if this is true.

In the series Shrinking, the story centers around a therapist and his daughter who were impacted a year prior when a drunk driver hit their mom/wife’s car and she died as a result of the accident.

The dad, who is a therapist, just couldn’t cope and turned to drinking and pills to hide his pain. The neighbors started caring for the daughter to help out.

The daughter (18) meets with the drunk driver and while initially angry — she forgives him and they become friends. Her father finds out and feels betrayed and angry. The daughter tells her therapist how she feels better and less angry now that she has "moved forward".

All that led me to wonder how does forgiveness play a role in our healing as the BS? Does it matter if we forgive — as part of reconciliation?

Are we less happy if we do not forgive?

Interested in hearing from others about this.

PS - I think this is a very hard thing to do BTW

I think how egregious the cheating was is whether there can ever be forgiveness or not. In my case it was while he was traveling and both of us still young and stupid. I did not confront until yrs later. I asked, he admitted. We had matured, life went on. I have no feelings about it at all unless I pop on here.
If it involved cruelty(shaming, screaming, insults etc) I don’t see ever forgiving. Human nature is designed to remember danger. There is nothing but rape and murder more dangerous to the human psyche than being lied to, and cheated on. The longer it goes on the more "dangerous" it is. We are like elephants, we never forget.

Janis Spring, PhD, wrote a great book about forgiveness. I read it many years ago based on member recommendations.

I forgave my exww long ago. It is a release of a debt that could never be repaid. It's a good step, I think, on a healing journey, one that takes years to reach.

I believe I can forgive WW for the affair as a person. What I mean by that is that as someone not my wife, as herself who massively fucked up, I can forgive that. As my wife, no I can’t. It’s unforgivable. There’s no forgiveness for an affair as a couple. Especially combined with the gaslighting, degradation, and honestly risking my health. I haven’t figured out everything by any means, but I have come to accept that she cheated on me.

I also don’t believe in an affair is forgivable as long as x y or z doesn’t happen. Cheating is a decision, and crossing the line is a deliberate act.

I believe in acceptance.

I think it is possible to move through the pain of infidelity and get to a place of not wanting to seek revenge, not wallowing, not stewing over it, but not forgiving it. It probably boils to a semantic argument for some, but the distinction is meaningful to me. I don't label it as forgiveness. We all come to terms with the trauma of infidelity in whatever way works for us. And that's what works for me.

I do believe some things are unforgivable. The deliberate act of knowingly harming and causing trauma is, for me, one of those things.