A lot of what we do post-d-day is reaction and then waiting for the WS to act. It’s like a game of chess where you aren’t working together but trying to manipulate each other to a position where you control more than the other. IMHO your wife is trying to create the position where you are OK with not knowing the full extent of the affair (like... if she knew it wasn’t physical (one of only two who can know that...) then why did she have a STI test done?), where she can remain at the job where OM is at, that she can remain in contact with OM (probably with all intent of having it only as "friends"). She’s hoping that if she waits long enough you find a way to be semi-civil despite all the infidelity-elephants in your marriage.
What I’m going to suggest is a series of actions that YOU take, that YOU control.
Yes – your wife’s reactions can impact your next step, but only to the extent that either she accepts your conditions and focuses on reconciliation or speeds up what might be an inevitable divorce.
Basically what I’m suggesting is the old adage that if you love someone, set them free:
Tell your wife that she’s free to work there and be around OM. She can date OM, give him advice on what to wear, she can experience having him as a lover if she hasn’t, and again if she has. She can tell friends and family how great he is and how she is looking forwards to spending time with him. Only... she can’t do this as your wife.
Ask that she be discreet around the house, and that she dates OM at hotels, or his car and not in any place you might have to be at or in. To let you know if she’s bringing him to family- or friend gathering so you can avoid being there.
Tell her that just like she is free to choose her infidelity over her marriage, you are free to choose what you accept in your marriage. One thing you don’t do is SHARE your wife. With her priority for work and being around OM she’s at best allowing you to share her with him. Toothbrushes and wives – two things not shared.
Tell her this isn’t how you envisioned your future, but that you aren’t interested in some quasi-marriage. You don’t care for being worried about their contact at work, not being able to go to her office without the strange looks from EVERYONE that knows. Having anxiety if she goes to a conference, or works late... Of two evils NOT having her beats sharing her.
Tell her that you are initiating the steps to terminating the marriage. That includes both emotional attachment and practical matters. You will consult an attorney, and if you are both reasonable and follow the norms in your state this can be amicably done in a few months.
She might have a short gap to let you know she wants this marriage, but that would require some actions like being totally accountable to the truth – verified by a poly – and changing jobs. The further along your path out of infidelity you get, the more content you become with your decision and the less likely you are to want to reconcile.
Tell her there is no rush, no drama. It’s a logical decision based on the reality of the situation, and although tough then it’s the least-bad option you have. You have two choices – to remain in infidelity or to leave infidelity – and based on her decisions only one path is open. Not what you want – but it’s the path offered. Sort-of like you might not want to have an infected toe amputated, but it beats dying of gangrene.
Then go make a sandwich. No need to say any more.
She tells you how important her job is to her – your standard reply is:
"Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage, we would have to address this, but since you prioritize your infidelity over us there isn’t any need to do so"
She tells you how you ignored her:
"Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage we would have to address this, but since you prioritize your infidelity over us there isn’t any need to do so"
She tells you ... well... ANYTHING:
"Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage we would have to address this, but since you prioritize your infidelity over us there isn’t any need to do so"
She starts talking about practical matters in a divorce/separation:
"We will follow the rules and laws in our state. I am not clear on them so we will have a professional guide us through that. No need for us to argue over something we don’t understand now".
Detach. Remove drama. It’s no "alas! We are divorcing" but rather "well... you made your choice and this is what happens". It’s not as if you are trying to negotiate that you remain married and she only has a teeny-weeny ongoing infatuation with OM.
Then start the process. Start looking for a competent attorney. Start gathering info on debts and assets. Start learning about the process. Start telling stakeholders to the marriage "my wife had an affair with (name of OM here) and has prioritized that over our marriage so we are divorcing". Start the financial separation. Start the emotional separation.
There isn’t any rush. It’s not like you need to file tomorrow. But you do need to be steadily moving out of infidelity.
If she reacts positively – YOU can decide to slow down. YOU can decide to tell the attorney to withdraw the petition. YOU can decide to spend one more week gathering data before your first attorney’s appointment. You never stop completely – not until you are convinced her actions are in accordance to her words.
Possibly you get her to true reconciliation. Possibly you end up divorced. Both are great. They definitely beat what she’s offering you now.
