SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would also suggest skipping the MC. As others have said they tend to focus on putting the affair behind you which is a horrible idea. It only festers and it will rear its ugly head again down the road

You could ask him to write out an entire timeline that includes every little detail no matter how minute including Financial transactions and then compare that to what you know

I’m sorry you find yourself here.

Your H remembers, he remembers everything. I would recommend you have him take a polygraph, cancel the MC and find a couples therapist if you’re wanting to go together but you definitely need a foundation of truth. Your H needs to understand this.

Don't start marriage counseling. Marriages don't cheat; people do. In a year or two, if your WH is able to own and fix his shit, marriage counseling might help to strengthen your relationship.

In the meantime, insist that your WH start individual counseling to help him figure out why he would choose to blow-up his own life. Make IC a condition of reconciliation.

I would also recommend insisting that he writes out a detailed timeline of all of his activities. Let him know that you will treat this as an affidavit. Any knew information or discrepancies discovered after this will be considered as immediate grounds for divorce.

If you do decide to go through with marriage counseling, then interview the counselor. Ask them direct and deliberate questions about their personal and professional experience with infidelity. If their answers are not satisfactory to you then don't hire them. Walk out.

In all of my years here on SI, I've read far more horror stories about marriage counseling than positive ones. It's possible, of course, that you might get lucky and find one of the rare ones who has a solid understanding of betrayal trauma. The odds are against it.

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck…it’s a duck. Your husband is a cheater and a liar. Polygraph.
Marriage counseling is for two people actively trying to repair a marriage. Your husband is actively cheating. You should be actively talking to a lawyer and a dr for help with anxiety.
Please look after your health. Get decent nutrition, sleep, exercise.

A word of appreciation for everyone and a quick update.
He returned from his trip and while he was sleeping the first night I went through his phones again, more carefully. I found direct evidence of him giving his hotel address to a sex worker, and him reaching out to multiple workers over the last six months.
I woke him up and told him it was time for brutal truth. I asked if he had anything else he wanted to tell me. It took him a long time before he admitted seeing charges for onlyfans on his phone but he didn’t do it (which could be true, as the credit card company said they originated in England). I then told him what I found and asked him how many time he had paid for a sex worker. He told me three.
The first two times he couldn’t perform, despite their attempts at oral on him. The third one he discovered was from his home country and they ended up just talking the whole time.
I cancelled our marriage therapist and have scheduled us with a therapist who specializes in compulsive sexual behaviors and betrayal trauma. My friend who has been going through a similar situation recommended them. They do polygraphs and all that, so we’ll see. My friend is in the middle of divorce, so I don’t think the therapist will push for reconciliation.
He was shocked when in told him yesterday that yes, divorce is absolutely on the table. It should have been more of a shock that I wasn’t already out the door. I’m just trying to give myself time to sort through all this. I see my counselor weekly, he sees his twice a week now.
Thanks for the advice and support everyone. Turns out you were right, which I’m sure doesn’t surprise you but I hate that you were.

Ugh. Cheaters are so predictable. Please be prepared for more truth bombs (trickle truthing) - it’s amazing how often "three times" comes up and how often they can’t perform. We joke darkly about a "cheaters’ handbook" and it’s because there really are patterns we see over and over again.

So now, focus on you. And tell him he needs to be the driver on his therapy. He needs to want to fix this and take the steps to fix himself. If you have to do all the work, it won’t be successful. He’ll just be doing the minimum to keep you off his back. He has to want to change and do the work.

Get IC for you - you need a safe outlet to get through this and decide what you want and need. Find one who is trauma informed as this really is a trauma. Get STD testing as you now know he lies about important things that can give you deadly STD/STIs. Take care of yourself like never before - get daily exercise, see your doc if you cannot sleep, eat healthfully and avoid drugs/alcohol. Drink extra water b/c crying is dehydrating. Journal, talk to your IC and friends, and find an outlet for anger and stress. Read about the 180 and use that to give your brain some breathing room.

And see a lawyer or three. Understand what D could look like. Often we are reluctant to do something out of fear of the unknown. So knowledge is power and will help you feel more in control. You don’t have to file -just k now what it will look like. Also realize he’s been spending your marital funds on this, so make sure you know your finances and lock them down so he can’t be spending your money on prostitutes or websites.

And trust that you will get through this. I am glad you have a friend who will have some understanding of what you are going through.