SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm pathetic aren't I?

Not at all, in any way.

You’re dealing with the fallout of something you neither expected or asked for.

I still appreciate the car wreck metaphor my IC offered up. If you were blindsided in a car wreck, that’s none of your fault, you are still going to spend months and years recovering from the physical injuries. Infidelity is the emotional trauma equivalent of the blind sided car wreck. In that sense, you are simply assessing ALL options, as you should, and you’re trying to heal a tiny bit each day at the SAME time.

Two years into my R, I looked at my wife and told her love or loyalty or whatever it was I clinging to wasn’t going to be enough to save the M. The weird thing is, after I decided I didn’t need my M, that’s when I tried to see what it would look like if I chose to stay.

Infidelity is always a dealbreaker, every time.

It’s what we decide we want and need after the deal is broken.

I picked a new deal and got what I wanted. However, in another thread in the forum, titled ‘when you know, you know’ regarding another member moving on from M. It’s a healthy step and not a failure.

If you are done, there is zero shame in that.

I think the key for me was knowing for sure I wouldn’t have any regrets, regardless of my choice.

I generally don’t ever suggest people stay or go, because only you know you and your situation best.

I can say, since you mentioned the potential of future resentment — as in, if you will only ever resent him for his poor choices (and again, none of that is on you) — then it really sounds like you are moving toward being done.

I think resentment eventually kills any relationship and especially after infidelity.

The only way I see R working is if the WS owns their choices, owns their self-repair AND the BS is able to still see and focus on the good in the person.

And that’s a tall order, since you live with the biggest trigger who caused this trauma.

I also struggled looking at old photos for a while, but then I realized I loved my family the best I could with the information I had at the time.

Ultimately, in response to your first post, I would say your primary mission is to heal. That’s the mission you do not want to fail.

You have no responsibility to save what you did NOT break. Blindsided, emotional car wreck of infidelity is on the person who wrecked it.

Find the best way to heal, and that’s your path forward.

The rest of life will work itself out around what will offer you the greatest chance to be happier.

First off you are not emotionally immature if you decide not to reconcile. It just means that the acts of your WS caused too much damage and oftentimes it is too little too late even if they do change their behavior. Even if my xWS had been remorseful or not a raving narcissist, what he did over the term of our M was too much for me to overcome and was a complete dealbreaker. I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never love him or respect him again and I was hanging onto a M that I wasn't going to put more work into. I knew I no longer wanted to be with my xWS and when you know you know. There is no shame in that. He caused the situation, you do not own any part of this. Not even a D if that's what you decide. A divorce is just a business decision to end a M and it's done when you feel done and that is ok.

BSR - how did you manage the guilt? I have been so triggered by our kids birthdays, fathers day and looking at photos knowing he was betraying me then and in the years following by lying.

At first the guilt was debilitating. I was raised in an environment where you either deflected responsibility for your transgressions or hated yourself for your failures. My father would throw dramatic temper tantrums directed at himself if he lost his keys. Woe betide you if there was a way for him to blame *you* for the lost keys. I developed a strong ability to rewrite history and shut down if my narrative was challenged. I don't mean "shut down" as in I became sullen and uncommunicative; I mean I'd fall asleep mid-conversation as my subconscious tried to take me out of the path of danger. As you can imagine, that came across as a lack of effort.

As I started to let go of control, and recognized the level of damage that trickle truth was doing to my husband, guilt became useful. It helped me to remain patient and recognize the massive lift my husband was making on his end. Guilt in this phase subsidized my efforts to repay a debt that's not repayable. BTW, I think guilt is different from shame. Shame turns the blade in your own hand, and it's hard to support your spouse if you're bleeding out yourself. Guilt allows you to focus on your partner instead of wallowing in self hate.

Eventually, I moved past the sense of guilt as a dominant factor in how I viewed myself and my marriage. I don't believe it's healthy for either partner to live in that state forever. In some ways, I will never forgive myself, but in others, I have self compassion. I'll also point out that I'm a madhatter, and my BH was the one who cheated first. His infraction was far less dramatic and extensive than mine, but he did literally the same thing I had done: tried to confess, chickened out, and minimized. He was prepared to let me spend my entire college career in a long distance relationship with him, not knowing he had cheated. When I made my initial confession, he came fully clean in the belief that my greater offense cancelled out his. It doesn't really work that way, though. Eventually, I needed my time in the betrayed spouse role, with him supporting my right to understand and process.

BSR - my WH has literally fallen asleep when I've spoke to him! It has set my rage on fire! He says he gets all panicky and needs to escape and whilst he can talk about it calmly if I bring up stuff that shames him he has to get out the room it's like it just has to run which just makes me furious! I never thought falling asleep was a kind of coping strategy

I thought it was just me until one time I posted about it, and another WW wrote back in passionate relief that someone else had had the same experience. It's like being drugged. The cornered brain just turns down the lights.

Of course, it's extremely challenging because there are always opportunists who will read something like that and add it to their bag of tricks and lies. The same is true of my memory. I had to fight against a subconscious that desperately wanted to protect me by "helping" me block out things I didn't want to confront or admit. There have been a few WS here whose claims of poor memory had a ring of authenticity, but I'm as aware as anyone that it can be awfully convenient to forget incriminating details.

Oldwounds - I think to be honest I just want a break to heal but feel pressure to fix the marriage. My counsellor regularly tells me to make sure I nurture the marriage and don't get complacent and that my husband may reach his limit with me if I keep shaming him (I don't call him names but can't help talking about his lack of morals and the damage he has done to our family).
I'm finding it exhausting trying to be affectionate with him, finish my dissertation, look after the kids, go counselling, manage life and deal with the grief.
I'm at breaking point.
However, I am still worried I will regret ending things ..my husband was stupid, immature, selfish and a bad husband BUT he has good qualities too and has been kind, generous, supportive and my placement of safety for many years. It just seems he wasn't emotionally mature enough for marriage and kids and is now he is in his 40s but the damage is done.

I’m sorry you are struggling. BTDT.

I don’t know if this will help you.

What would you tell your daughter or BFF in this situation?

Divorce is NOT a sign of failure IMO. In fact it’s the opposite. It takes courage and strength to admit this marriage no longer works and walk away. It takes courage to foresee a future that is better than where you are right now.

I often say I only recommend Reconciliation IF you will be happy and love the cheater. You can love someone but not be happy in the marriage - and I’d not suggest Reconciliation.

You get one life. And you deserve to be happy and live a life that gives you joy and contentment. Peace. Fulfillment.

It’s ok to divorce or Reconcile or separate. You don’t have to decide now. But just know if you attempt Reconciliation it is not a permanent solution. You can change your mind at any time.

Ist wife...I just hate this uncertainty and I fear divorce and fear staying and feeling this way forever. My childhood trauma led to overthinking and OCD and I particularly focus on morality and get caught in thought loops...I'm exploring EMDR to see if this can help as I keep trying to 'think my way out of feeling'.

As far as your husband is concerned, your childhood trauma and fear is a feature, not a bug. I think he picked you because disorder was "normal" for you and that you needed love and reassurance so badly that you would put up with pretty much anything to keep your relationship and family intact.

You mention that you didn’t feel loved until 5 years ago. You also said that you’ve struggled with anxiety.

You think this means that there is a problem with you. There isn’t! You didn’t feel loved because you weren’t loved. You didn’t feel secure because you weren’t safe in your relationship.

You just didn’t know why.

Blue - I think he did love me in the beginning but within 2 years we had a miscarriage, moved house, got engaged and had twins and the 23 year old girl he fell in love become a mum and life got difficult very quickly. We didn't ever even have a holiday alone before we had kids and the kids came on our honeymoon. I think he then struggled with the sudden change in his life. He didn't want a third baby, I did but as a conflict avoidance he just went ahead and I got pregnant with our third and that was the trigger to revert bad to his cheating behaviour and it just so happened his ex AP moved to an army base nearby and it was easy to pick up where he left on.
During the affair he didn't treat me well but then I didn't treat him well either. He was slack and forgetful and I felt I had to parent him too. This clearly caused resentment for both of us.
I think we both fell out of love with each other then...I know for certain I started noticing other men but never acted on it.
I used to say he only married me because I was pregnant and remind him he didn't want our third baby. Both things were true and I felt unloved.
I don't know when he fell back in love with me. I started to get some self esteem, started studying, volunteering, socialising...his affair had ended and he seemed more attentive and happy. Money got easier and we started taking holidays. Life was hard but good.
I'm just angry that when we were poor, when I was sick, when our relationship was worse...he broke our vows.
Since the affair he has supported me through other hard times including more illness, stress, family difficulties and he actually started to open up and even cried a couple of times when he dealt with traumatic incidents which is something he has never done before.
Our relationship seemed better than ever, we have a beautiful home, our kids are settled and thriving, we have joint hobbies and new careers and then the AP dropped this bomb in my life and now I don't know up from down, I dont know who my husband is or was and I don't know if I'll ever be whole again

Love isn't measured by how someone feels about you and treats you when times are good; it's how you are loved and treated when times are really challenging or just mediocre. Love is an action, a choice that people make every day; it's not just a feeling.

He was cheating on you during good times and bad times. He cheated on his exes when he and they were young and childless, and had no cares in the world. He had no reason to resent his best friend, either, but that didn't stop him from sleeping with his wife.

You were in the same marriage as him but you never betrayed him.

Don't make excuses for him and don't sell yourself short.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:48 PM, Wednesday, July 2nd]