SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
my whole life ended 4 days ago. I feel so terrible.

I'll try to make it short: I'm 37, from Germany and my husband (38) is from the US. He is a touring musician, we had a long distance relationship and we married in 2020. In 2023 I left my whole life (my parents, job, friends, left my family dog who was too old to come here) and moved to my husband in California. We renovated a house and made a home. I started a small business, we got 3 dogs.
We talked about having a kid maybe. I really thought my life is perfect...until 4 days ago.

I found an email. It was from November 2022, it was actually the day my husband just left me (he visited me in Germany) and drove a rental car to Cologne to start his bands tour in Germany. That day he texted an escort service and asked for the most disgusting things I could imagine. It was in escort slang (short forms for sexual acts) and he was searching for a blonde with huge fake b****. And she had the same name like me!

He was with me when I read it. He admitted it. I had a mental breakdown, after a few hours he admitted more. He had sex with an escort in November 2023 in Canada too. I was already living with him.

In May 2022 (he was on tour) I saw that he followed an escort girl on instagram and asked him what that is? He had a bad excuse and never admitted anything and deleted her again. That was always in my head and sometimes I brought it up again because it never made sense. He never admitted it until now: he wanted to meet her but I caught him and he didn't.

I'm devastated. I left my old life to come here for a cheater.
I have no idea what to do now. Going back to Germany would mean my small business is over, I will not see my dogs again and I have nothing over there. I'd really would to start from zero and be depressed for years. I don't want to tell my friends and family because I'm so embarrassed.

My husband is remorseful, is crying, doesn't want me to leave, says he will do therapy and never do it again. Says he ruined me and my life and feels bad for it. He says I don't deserve him and he would understand if I would leave him. He already emailed a therapist.

We talked 40 hours in the past 4 days. Literally all day.
I really love the version of him that I thought he was but this person is dead now. I honestly think I would never find anyone anymore, because this version was the love of my life.

I can't understand how he could do this to me. The day he left me in Germany, I was so happy I saw him, we just got our interview appointment for my visa Interview that day... and he drives to cologne and had sex with an escort. My heart hurts.

And the worst part of it all: he did all this right before I moved to him. He lied to me the whole time, he knew I gave up my whole life for him. In the past 3 years I was living here my grandma and my family dog died. I missed their last years of life.. just to get cheated on. For this illusion.

Can you give me advice, experiences, anything...
Deep in my heart I don't want to leave him because maybe he can change. But also this email.. he's really one of those weak creepy men that pays escorts for sex although he's married? That's actually exactly the kind of man I don't want. I thought he's special and different.

Please help me, I have noone to talk to, have no friends here and nowhere to go.

Can relate because your story matches mine a lot.

You will be heard here and we understand what is you feel.

I will reply you better later because of time constraints but I wanted to tell you this.

You are not alone.
It was not your fault.
Is not ok, but you can heal.

You will find a lot of support here sister.
Let your emotions out. You have been heard

There is nothing worse than finding out the one person who is supposed to be there for you no matter what, the one person you can turn to when you are hurting, has hurt you in a way that no one else could. It is devastating.

My advice is to find a therapist that specializes in trauma because infidelity is the worst kind of trauma in my opinion. I would not start talking with a marital therapist. They tend to focus on putting an affair behind you. After several months once you feel like your head is clear and you can make decisions that are in your best interest then start talking with a marital therapist if you still want the relationship

It takes years to get over the infidelity and years to rebuild Trust. It only takes seconds to destroy and it takes several years to maybe rebuild

If you need space to think then ask him to move out. If he truly wants to save the relationship he has to be willing to do anything

You have found a great place for support and advice

Thank you all for the responses so far. I really appreciate it because right now I feel like I will never recover from this.

I'm planning on finding a trauma therapist.

Moving out is a little tricky. We live in a house that his mom owns. She lives next door to us in a smaller house on the property.
Unfortunately I can't tell him to move out.

I have a Germany flight booked in June to visit my family and friends. In July my husband will come and joing me Germany and we already booked a vacation in Italy.
The upcoming months sound very tricky.

I feel like I don't want to tell anyone because I'm so embarrassed. All my friends have husbands, houses and kids and are happy...
That's also the reason I don't want to move back home. I would be so alone with nothing left.

I never thought I would ever be in this situation.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering Pugnamedyoda.

First off, try to take care of yourself physically. Stay hydrated and make yourself eat. If you need to, see a doctor about medicine for anxiety/depression or something to help you sleep.

You both need to get tested for STDs. Sucks, but…escorts.

I hope you can soon get to a place where you don’t feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! He’s the one who cheated. Everyone on this website got cheated on, should we be embarrassed too? Just know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent him from cheating. He cheated because of what is wrong with him, not what is wrong with you.

You don’t have to do this alone. If one of your own friends or family members came to you with a similar problem, how would you react? I’d bet anything you’d be tremendously supportive. Well, that’s how they’re going to react as well.

One last thing, and this sucks to have to tell you. It’s extremely common if not ubiquitous that the betrayed spouse does not get full disclosure at first. A common recommendation here is to have him put everything down in writing, in the form of a timeline. At some point, you’ll offer him the opportunity to take a polygraph to prove his candor. It’s a step towards rebuilding trust. But he’s a touring musician…sex drugs and rock n roll and all that…I think you need to keep your suspicions pretty high right now.

Thank you for the response and kind words.

I guess the reason why I'm embarrassed is that I thought we're this perfect couple. I even left everything and moved to another country for him.
Telling someone would mean that I completely fucked up because I already got cheated on before I even moved.
I know it was not me...but I guess I don't want it to be true yet.

I even told and asked him after I discovered the escort instagram account he following if there is anything he needs to tell me before I give my whole life up for him. He lied..the whole time.
I can't believe he would do something like that to me.

Thank you for the response and kind words.

I guess the reason why I'm embarrassed is that I thought we're this perfect couple. I even left everything and moved to another country for him.
Telling someone would mean that I completely fucked up because I already got cheated on before I even moved.
I know it was not me...but I guess I don't want it to be true yet.

I even told and asked him after I discovered the escort instagram account he following if there is anything he needs to tell me before I give my whole life up for him. He lied..the whole time.
I can't believe he would do something like that to me.

Look, I understand you because I've been through it.

Long distance relationship, different countries, 5 years, left everything to move to her country, work, study, career, family, friends.

Had to start a life from zero in a place where I did not even understand the language.
We married, she has been loyal for the last 15 years we have lived together.

However she cheated on me while we were long distance. Do you think it matters that 18 years passed when I got to know names and timelines?

We are not the ones who fucked up, that is on our partners.
Acting in good will, honestly and love is nothing to be ashamed of.
You are good sister, someone else has to live with lifelong shame, not you.

You should not be embarrassed for trusting your WH. He deliberately lied to you. What he presented you was a charade meant to hide his illicit activities. My guess is that using escorts had long been a practice while touring long before he met you. I could be wrong of course, but I would not be surprised. I would approach this as a lifedtyle issue that continued after he met you and married. Just my take. Please take care of you.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:14 PM, Tuesday, April 28th]

Hi Pugnamedyoda,

I am so sorry - reading your post, what really came through was not only the betrayal itself but the scale of what you gave up and trusted him with and that is a huge part of why this feels so shattering. Please do not make his deceit into your embarrassment, acting in good faith loving someone and building a life with them is nothing to be ashamed of - the shame belongs with the person who knew the truth and still let you make life changing decisions without it.

I do understand the part about feeling as though the version of him you loved has died and that is such a painful and disorientating place to be. Right now, I think just getting through the next few days matters more than having all the answers - a trauma therapist sounds like a very good step.

You are not alone in this...

My heart goes out to you, but I'm very glad you've found this place to heal.

I was married 22 years to a roadie before I discovered his escapades that started in year 3. So 20 years were just a big fat lie. I was 55 when it happened and it nearly destroyed me. He gave me an STD, fortunately not one of the permanent ones, but I had a bad reaction to the antibiotics and spent three days in bed with a migraine and vomiting while I processed the information that I was discovering. (I put spyware on his laptop later on and got the whole picture, and it was ugly.)

We had just bought and renovated a house and I found out two weeks before we had to move in.

I kicked him to the curb and I'm now 18 years living alone and I have to say I love my life now. I'm 72 and have never been happier.

You're young and can recover from this. It just takes time, the word everyone hates to hear.

If this is his pattern of road behaviour, it likely won't change unless he quits touring. The bro code is don't ask don't tell.

It's like a smorgasbord out there for these types of people, especially if they are as habituated as he seems to be. It would take a lot of therapy for him to work through that kind of addiction, and like I said, he'd have to quit his gig to really commit completely to making it up to you. The odds of that happening are probably slim, as these types tend to be very selfish.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but you'll figure out next steps once the shock wears off.

Big hugs.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 3:12 PM, Wednesday, April 29th]

Thank you for all these messages.

I'm still in shock and my mind tells me to leave and divorce him. But on the other hand I don't want this.

He's still remorseful and already has a therapy session tomorrow and says he wants to do everything in his power to make it work and never let me down again.

I feel like the more time passes and the more I don't see him, I get more and more angry, I read the email that I found again and I could just cry and scream!

Do you guys think there is any chance? I gave up my whole life for him 3 years ago and moved to another country for him.

And now this is all over already and I move back with nothing left?

All my friends are happily married and have houses, kids, etc..If I move back home, I'm going to be the single unhappy friend. There's so much involved. The house here, our dogs, I started a small business here....this all would be gone if I would move back home to Germany.

It's just too much right now. I can't believe the person I love the most did these cruel things to me and made me give up my whole life for them and lied.

I am so mad at him and hate him right now, but I can't see myself leaving my life either. Is this normal? 🙈
I'm also scared of losing my feelings completely for him.
Do you automatically lose feelings after betrayal and you have to work hard to get them back or are they still there and just buried right now?

[This message edited by Pugnamedyoda at 9:38 PM, Monday, May 4th]

You have been heard. The conflicting emotions are very normal. The push and pull whether to leave or stay. Time will help you. You have suffered a trauma and you need to heal. Don’t try and bury the anger and sadness. You need to go through it to get through it. Do seek IC if available. Infidelity is very isolating. What concrete steps is he taking to address his brokenness? You will figure out whether you want to give him a chance at R. R is a gift. Even though he is entirely remorseful you are under no obligation to offer R. Always value yourself.

If I move back home, I'm going to be the single unhappy friend. There's so much involved. The house here, our dogs, I started a small business here....this all would be gone if I would move back home to Germany.

It's too soon to be making big decisions in this process. But I do think the above thought needs re-framing in a big way. Yes, there is a lot involved in a big move but it doesn't necessarily mean unhappiness! Sure, it might at first but new starts can result in some pretty amazing and exciting things! And it would put you back into the arms of family and friends, a support system that wants the best for you.

Similar to you, my husband cheated with escorts. I know the shock, the embarrassment, the humiliation, the devastation, all of it. All the feels. It's awful. There are times you're, God forbid, thankful he wasn't in love with some person he might actually run off with, and at the same time so angry he'd risk everything for sex with a stranger. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Like you, I moved to another country with my husband for his job at one time. I left my family, my job, the city I had lived in my whole life. And I really did enjoy my new life in my new country until he got fired and we had to move back. Unlike you, I didn't have to leave a business I created in the new country and I took my pets with me both ways and I didn't return home single (not that there is anything wrong with that!). But I did kind of have a feeling of failure because he had gotten fired. (I really needn't have because the entire foreign team got fired, it wasn't just him or his fault.) But there was still a feeling of we left on this big high and we were skulking back home. So I get it to some extent. But, hey, I have a job now that I love and a home that I love and it worked out for the most part (until he cheated and obviously that started a new journey.)

I'm just trying to say that even though things might look crappy now, and you might have to make decisions you don't really want to or didn't think you'd have to, it doesn't mean you'll have a terrible life forever. I think it serves us well to remember we can come out better and stronger from dark times.

This site was founded by a couple that reconciled from infidelity.
We have all kinds on this site: Posters that reconciled and are happy. Posters that wanted to reconcile but weren’t offered that option by their WS but are happy now. Posters that didn’t want to reconcile and are happy.
So your question about if this is a recoverable situation – the answer is yes.

I’m also going to call you out on one thing: Reconcile or separate, move back home or stay in California… YOU WILL BE HAPPY. We recover from traumas – if we deal with them and remove ourselves from the cause. In this instance the cause is your husband’s actions. This can be dealt with by HIM removing the actions, or by you removing him from the space where he can impact you. Who knows where you will be in 2 years… Germany, California… whatever. But you can be happy.

In many ways the ball is totally in your court. You can decide what you want and what you accept. If your husband is willing to do the work and accepts that the next 18-24 months will be focused on you reaching a place where you feel safe enough to fully commit to the marriage… And if YOU are willing to do the work required, do the self-evaluation of progress and all that… then you two have a good chance of reconciling.
You can then decide if he meets your requirements. Like if he goes on the road again in a month (seeing as he’s a touring musician) and you find out he’s been searching for sex-workers… YOU can decide at that point that he’s used up all his chances.
He must accept that trust is shot, and that you are allowed to monitor his costs, expenses, social media, presence… whatever is needed for you to feel safe.

Try to list what you need, and then how to get that. I like to make the line very clear – like tell him that he can use this chance NOW to share everything he feels you need to know (and you NEED to know EVERYTHING) because that’s what’s going to define the line you two can work from.
Then make it clear that this is a one-time offer. That if you either learn of something significant he’s left out, or learn of anything he might try from now moving forward, that your belief or will to work at reconciliation will be lessened. Possibly to the point where you no longer believe it possible.

Then list what you need: What openness do you need to feel safe? What can he do to make you feel safe? For example: the sex-workers he used – how did he pay them? I have a thread on financial openness in General – maybe scan it.

I think it’s key for you to realize that you do have options and basically all the power. He has the option of meeting your needs or deciding to use sex-workers. You have the options of reconciling or leaving.

--
Funny coincidence that I was talking to my friend the other day who is a professional musician and we were talking about his career on the road and a past mutual friend.
His career started in the 80’s with a band that might be considered a one-and-a-half-hit-semi-wonder. In the early days there was a lot of partying and boozing and all that stuff. But he realized relatively early that playing maybe 5-7 shows a week, nights in a tour-bus or hotel, hamburgers or pizzas for most meals and all that cost him both professionally and physically. Same with studio-sessions driven by cocaine or other stimulants. The others in the band didn’t make that connection. That mutual friend we had – died from an overdose.
The band they were in is long gone. Might hear one of their songs on the radio every couple of years. He is the only one that remained a successful professional musician. He told me that he has a sterling reputation for being reliable – producers want him for studio-sessions because he will be playing his bass rather than snorting drugs, theaters want him for musicals because he won’t be hung-over from yesterday, bands want him on tour because he delivers day after day and no drama.
We are both in our early 60’s and he told me he sometimes gets a laugh when he looks at whom he’s working with. In studios he might be working for an artist nearly 40 years younger, but on tours he tends to be supporting known artists with staying power who have also realized that drinking and womanizing isn’t productive to their career, and who simply want a reliable professional band that can deliver for their fans show after show.
He also shared that on the road he focuses on creating a sustainable agenda. Tries to eat healthy, tries to get his daily exercise, his 8 hours of sleep, communicating with spouse and family and practices on his instrument.
He says he’s not the exception. That either musicians come and go when they are burned out from drinking, irregular sleep, thrice-divorced, coronary issues due to hamburger-and-fries overdoses… or they learn quickly that the price for the excitement of doing what you love and have a passion for is to is to become sensible in your lifestyle and behaviors.

Thank you all for your words. I really appreciate it.

The funny thing is, is that he always pretended to be that person that is so clear minded, spiritual, over his addictions and he said I helped him. Seems like it all was an act.

Also yesterday was a complete turn of the story again. He gave me his passwords for his email for transparency. I dug deep, found more evidence.
So yesterday he confessed even MORE. Basically he cheated on me every time I went back home to visit Germany, he says 7 times. He also had premium porn accounts and onlyfans. Was paying to see videos.
He spent 1000s of dollars on escorts in the past years and last time he cheated on me was "for his birthday" in December. For 1000 dollars.

I'm so numb now, I don't know what to do. He says he has an addiction and wants to do therapy and prove to me that he will never do it again. He wants to do 12 steps and go to meetings as well.

Is there any hope left now... he obviously lied to me again. He said he was so scared to tell me, he doesn't want to lose me. He's begging me to stay.

For some reason the addiction part now makes it a little bit more understandable but... is this even treatable? Has anyone experienced this?
Is there any hope now that he lied again?

You’re getting what’s called "trickle truth" (TT). As in, the truth gets revealed to you in small incremental bits. Relationships can recover from this but this is a really significant moment and you need to hammer on this with him. All the time - ALL THE TIME - people here end up saying that it wasn’t the cheating that killed the marriage, it was the lying afterwards. He needs to come clean now. Your chances of R go down exponentially with every new revelation.

I don’t think it’s very likely that you have everything at this point. Re-read Bigger’s post for a suggested approach to this.

7 times since 2020 is not a lot for an ‘addict’. On the other hand, paying for porn does support the idea that he has a problem. But that problem might not be addition, it might just be stupidity, because there’s practically limitless free porn on the internet.

As to sex addition, there’s a couple of relevant threads on the "I can relate" forum on that topic that you should take a look at.

It’s only been a week since you found it, it’s really early days. Here’s a little article that might give you some perspective. https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/stages-of-infidelity/

I’m sorry you’re suffering Pugnamedyoda. I really agree with SackOfSorry’s message. We’re all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, and the sooner you internalize this, the sooner you’ll be ok.

Here's the thing: it's like you're talked into buying the perfect house that looks great in the photos and the inspection doesn't reveal anything out of the ordinary. Then you move in and a couple of years later the foundation cracks and the roof needs replacing and the sewer lines are full of tree roots, everything smells like shit, and oh yeah the shitty neighbours have a herd of pit bulls that never shut up and you're losing sleep because you're wondering where you'll get the money and the wherewithal to fix everything and worrying about the pit bulls leaping the fence to tear you limb from limb.

Here's the thing: You were LIED TO all along.

You were sold a piece of shit dressed up as a rock star. The deception is truly breathtaking and heartbreaking. And trust me I know that romantic buzz of hanging with the band -- I've hung with some big names on the tour bus over the years and being around that scene and what it does to your head. It's intoxicating.

However, I guarantee you that his bandmates and crew KNEW he was a filthy disgusting freak, and they didn't care to mention that factoid to you. You. Were. Lied. To.

Bottom Line: THIS IS WHO HE IS.

EVEN IF he says he'll Do the Work

EVEN IF he swears it'll never happen again

EVEN IF you're the Best Thing To Ever Happen To Him and OMG he'll be lost without you blah blah blah..........

ASK YOURSELF THIS ONE QUESTION RIGHT NOW: do I really want to spend the THE PRIME YEARS OF MY FREAKING LIFE being the Porn Police, constantly on eggshells checking all his devices and his search history and his bank account and freaking out over the never-ending mind movies and the what if's because he's on the road again and you have zero control over what he does out there?

Sweetie, you are 37. This should be your high flying time of joy and tasty adventures making memories with someone who loves and respects you for the AWESOME WOMAN you obviously are.

What helped me in the end was finding my self respect for that awesome woman I was before I married my POS. I found her again and never looked back. You can do this, but first you have to progress to the RAGE STAGE. It kicks in at around six months and it was epic.

I know your spirit feels broken right now and your brain won't shut the fuck up between fight/flight and my life will be crap if I go home single and broken and everyone will think I'm a loser, and you're probably sleep deprived (which doesn't help with the Big Decisions) and not eating properly and the thing is, you don't have to decide right this minute.

But the old quote keeps coming back into the conversation. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Big hugs. Keep posting. And whatever you do, DO NOT share this site with him. We've got your back as you travel this stupid shitty shitty road he's put you on.

Onward.

FF

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:41 AM, Wednesday, May 6th]

Have to agree with faith fool about that.

Do not waste your beauty on this guy.

In this case especially leaving him is the only reasonable way to see where he truly stands.