SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New to the group

Basic back story is Hubby of almost 30 years and former BFF cheated on me (twice that I know of). Trying to heal but having a really hard time.

I started seeing a counselor immediately but the anxiety and grief is overwhelming.

Any words of advice for the anxiety would be appreciated.

SparkleDust

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. There are some great posts that aren't pinned that you can find by looking for the bull's eye icon that are nice resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has all kinds of resources.

The anxiety and pain can be so overwhelming at times. It is going to take healing and time. If you need to, ask your doctors for some meds. I had to be on anti-anxiety meds for about a year. Unfortunately, trauma can do a lot to mess up your health and how your body functions.

Excercise can help you. Walking, going to the gym, getting a punching bag, yoga, pilates, etc. There's a book called The Body Keeps Score by Dr. Besel Van der Kolk. It is an awesome resource on trauma, not specifically betrayal trauma. He is a proponent of doing exercises similar to yoga & pilates to help your body release the trauma.

Stay hydrated and be sure that you're eating, even if it's a protein shake. Take care of yourself during this time and give yourself grace.

Dear SparkleDust,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Know that you are not alone.

You will find a wealth of information in the healing library and will receive an abundance of wonderful advice from wise people who understand exactly what you're going through right now.

I'm actually also a newbie, but have lurked for 18 months, and the wise words I have read here were worth more to me than I can express.

As someone who was in your situation 2 years ago (also a relationship of 30+ years), I just wanted to give you this:
you are so much stronger than you can imagine. You stand now at the foot of a hill, but you do have the strength to climb it, even if it doesn't feel that way now, and I promise you, the view will be better at the top. It takes time, and everyone's journey is different, but in the meantime, what worked for me was to practice reclaiming my happiness in the small things, like the smile on a friend's face when they greet you. Just a few minutes each day where I was the architect of my own happiness, not this situation that my husband created. (Just in case you were doubting: this is in no way your fault and has nothing to do with you. It's 100% his problem.)

You have a community here that will support you.

Thank you for your kind words, it’s very painful, it’s hurts so much to betrayed by the two people I trusted most. Some days are worse than others, yesterday was particularly bad, the anxiety was overwhelming, the anger sets in, at times, honestly thpugh, I think it’s easier to be angry than to be sad and anxious.

In a really messed up way, it helps to know I’m not alone, and it does help is knowing that people go through this and come out on the other side. I’ve been reading the posts here and also in the other threads, where people have discussed their coping strategies.

One thing I’ve discovered is that my ex BFF had serious sociopathic tendencies (easy to see after she has done this to you), I do believe I could now spot these traits a mile away, so that’s a positive.

Thanks in advance for your support along this awful journey, thanks to everyone for sharing and caring.

I have two children, one at college, one at high school. My high school daughter is the one that discovered them cheating, while I was taking my son to college and getting him settled in. The poor kid had to keep quiet about it until I returned and then be brave enough to tell me about it. My family is going through so much, I’m a natural carer and want to make it all go away for my children, there is no hiding or shielding it from them, but I know that’s not healthy. Being the bigger person, is hard. Knowing the right thing to do is harder, keeping my head above the water is the hardest!

Just trying to keep swimming,

SparkleDust

I read this and think, 'How's your daughter?' On one hand, kudos to her for not lying for her father,' but it must have been awful for her, and I imagine it continues to be awful for her.

I urge you to take Nolonger's words to heart. You are stronger than you think.

Can you say more about what help we can give you? Have you decided what you're going to do with your M. or are you gathering info and holding off on a decision? What is your H saying and doing?

Above all, have faith in yourself to heal. You've been betrayed by 2 people ... but you can heal and make good decisions.

Hi, sparkledust, so sorry you are a member of this club that no one wants to join.

I was married almost 30 years when I found out my husband cheated on me with a co-worker who worked on the opposite coast. To say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement. Like you, after a bit of the shock wore off, I had rage, I mean extreme rage. Looking back, it's hard to recognize myself during that period. Understand rage masks pain, it's actually a healthy way to let your emotions out. My husband was my verbal punching bag for a very long time, and he never really complained about my outbursts. It's a crazy way to show your betrayer the depth of the hurt and devastation, it helped him understand the effect his cheating had on me and our family.

An atomic bomb has been dropped on your life, almost total destruction, it is going to take a very long time (years) to move past the pain. You are dealing with a double betrayal, I cannot imagine what you are going through, the people who were supposed to have your back stabbed you repeatedly.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to continue therapy, focus on you, get out and get away from your immediate environment, meet with friends, exercise, volunteer, take a class, anything to give you brief periods away from your thoughts. Check with your doctor if you need temporary medications to help you cope or sleep.

Post as often as you need to, weekends tend to be slow but you will find the support you need.

Sending a virtual hug.....

So very sorry Sparkle. Whatever you are experiencing, know that it is normal. No matter how horrific you feel, know that this is normal. Betrayal by your primary attachment figure is life altering. Your brain is affected on a biological level. You are actually in a trauma response.

I have a couple recommendations that helped me survive the early days. First thing for me was to seek God like never before. Did this by slowly reading and praying through Psalms.

Next, I read the book Betrayal Bind, by Michelle Mays, which helped me realize my intense response was normal.

Next, watching Jake Porters videos helped much. Find him on YouTube.

Finally, posting on the forums helped a great deal. There are many wise people who have been through it, who were very willing to help. It is like group therapy.

Get a therapist, but please NOT a normal therapist or counselor. Really needs to be a Betrayal Trauma Specialist.

You are not alone, and YOU ARE ENOUGH.🙏

Again thank you all! I appreciate having a safe space to talk, and to cry.

My daughter is a mess, she is very, very angry with her father. I’m fortunate to have two amazing children.

The person my daughter turned to, was my son (remembering I was with him, the poor kid was certainly put into an awful situation). He is one of those kids, wise beyond his years, a philosophy major and a deep thinker, he told her to call her therapist (and i suspect he called his the first moment he had alone). I put both of my kinds into therapy during covid when life for children was so hard, with no social Life and so many challenges, they have both grown to develop wonderful relationships with their therapists and already had a great deal of trust built up. My daughter’s therapist talked her through the weekend and helped find the words to confront me. One would never imagine a therapist would become such a blessing.

The shock has not gone, I don’t know that I will ever recover from it, to be honest.

I’ve completely cut my ex bff off. I’ve blocked her in every way possible and although I know that eventually, our paths will cross, I just hope I can be mentally ready for that. My husband appears remorseful (my therapist says time will tell
If he is) but I’m not sure the trust can ever be regained.

My husband has also become a verbal punching bag, but honestly, he should be grateful he can’t hear the things I’m thinking.

I’m laying in my bed, pretending to be sleeping. I haven’t actually slept or eaten since this happened. The only reason I’ve managed a shower is because I needed to go to work. I work at a vet clinic with amazingly supportive people (honestly, I think my husband should be more worried about my coworkers than anyone else, they’re angry at him and have the skills to perform neuter surgery).

My therapist is amazing, (I talked to three different ones before I found the one i opened up to) he is like a dad, gives great advice and I feel so comfortable talking to him. He has asked me to start a journal, which I have, but I’m nervous to put too much information in there, incase it’s discovered.

I’m so grateful to have discovered this group and so thankful to have a safe space.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us. You are safe here.
As hard as infidelity is to recover from, I cannot imagine the double betrayal of a friend and spouse. You have received great advice so far, this is a long tough road and we are here for you every step of the way.

Sparkle dust,
I’m so so sorry for what you are going through, I honestly can’t imagine the pain of being betrayed by your friend and your H, then to add, the pain of your Daughter discovering them, I’m so very sorry this happened to you Sparkledust.

You must not hold back what is in your head, I promise it will stay in there and rattle around until you get it out, say it!, all of it.
The absolute venom I’ve spewed, has been at times monstrous but fully deserved.

You must also look after yourself Sparkledust, you must eat and drink and take a shower and sit outside and breathe in fresh air.

Being a natural carer, a nurturing person IMO adds another layer to the trauma, because you feel like you’re incapable of doing the things you’re best at, that gives your life purpose. When you have been traumatised it’s difficult to function and this makes you feel like you’ve failed before you have even gotten out of bed, as long as your kids have food in their tummies, clothes to wear and roof over their head, a safe place they call home…….then they’re a lot better than you think they are, and they both are seeing a therapist, you’re doing an amazing job.

Be kind to yourself Sparkledust, keep posting it does help a lot, there’s some pretty amazing people on here that will help you.

Keep swimming.