SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few days ago, while waiting for the elevator to go to my car and pick up my fWW from work after a long day...(we carpool now.) I was thinking about some of the threads I have read on SI and some of the best advice I got here by reading and learning from others. Here is what I think I have learned.

1. It (the A's) were never about me or my shortcomings. Nothing I did or did not do lead to her bad decisions and her having a multiple A's. (luckily for me none were long term, some were physical, but not brutally physical)

2. At least in my case, the reasons for her A's were, for lack of a better term, behavioral illness. She was depressed and had huge issues that came from her FOO. As those issues were addressed, our relationship became more solid, and so did she.

3. I had to re-frame what forgiveness meant. It was not forgetting, it was not acting like it did not hurt, it was letting go of the debt for the most part. But it could not really work until she understood what she had done to her, to us, to our family. Then she had to really be sorry for her actions. And she had to do what it took to get healthy. That took time. I understand now that there is no way to right the wrong, no way for her to really make amends. But for us to make it, I had to let the debt go, but not rugsweep.

4. So here is the hardest one, and it relates to number 1. As personal as it felt, it was never personal. I wish I could explain that well. I will try. As a betrayed spouse, your first instinct is to wonder what is wrong with you that she would pick these other people. You look inward for a part of you that was broken and deserved this. (maybe deserved is too much) but what is wrong with me, that I am not enough for my spouse? Being the BS makes any insecurity fire on all cylinders. The engine of your own self-esteem or lack there of, is off to the races. When I understood that there were things I could have done better as a husband, I also understood that being a better man, spouse, friend, you name it, would not have made any difference. SHE was the one that was broken. It was her issues that lead to this, and she had to work on her issues in order for us to have a healthy marriage.

So to sum it up. It was never about me, it was about her, and in order to be successful in R, she had to find a way to fix what is broken. I had to stay strong and not blame myself, and when the time was right, I needed to forgive her, and move forward.

I would be interested in what others who have really reconciled have learned.

Spot on woundedbear.

It wasn’t about me and never was. It’s about him and his poor choices, unhappiness w/ his life that he tried to blame on me and his lack of coping skills.

I also learned in the middle of the shitshow I was level headed and smart. I was able to figure out what I needed and put together a solid plan B in case "reconciliation" didn’t work out.

On dday2 I found out he was still cheating AND I was grateful I had an exit plan.

The one thing I learned was that I need to be able to rely on myself, no matter what.

Wow. Yup. Absolutely. Exactly. Describes my experience to a T.

WoundedB
With that wording and that wisdom I implore you to contribute more on this site. Great post!

This nails it exactly! Thank you for this post! It was never about me and it is NEVER about the BS. My WS recognized and acknowledged that from the start but it still took a bit for that to sink in for me. We are 15 months out and doing as well as we could be with IC for both of us, lots of effort from him, and recognition from me of his efforts to overcome his issues (depression, many FOO issues, chronic illness, etc) and the realization that I am strong enough to handle whatever happens and if for some reason it doesn’t work out long-term, I will be fine.

EXCELLENT summation of it all. This post is a gem. I hope this stays in the "recommended reading" for the JFO folks.

Thank you for sharing!

Bigger, thank you.

I will do my best to write when I feel I can contribute. I certainly feel like this community has given me more than I can ever repay. If what I have to say can help another, then maybe I can start to repay the debt.

Let me add to the original post...
What my wife learned in all this could fill a book. But it all comes down to this I suppose. Love is not a transactional experience. In all of this, she learned that love is not earned or lost by actions, it is given freely. Love does not keep score, and it is not selfish. It is not what it looks like in romance novels or Disney movies. It requires hard work and self sacrifice. But if it is done right, it is the best thing that can ever happen to you that you do not deserve. And a marriage, to quote a cliche, is two flawed people who never give up on each other. Now she is holding up her end by never giving up.

This summer, we traveled to a place we had never been before, pulling a big camper. We spent time together kayaking, hiking, having great meals, taking a tour cruise. Essentially, staring into what retirement could look like. The topic of her infidelity was never part of the discussion. In a quiet moment, as we were getting ready to climb into the camper to go in for the night, she said "I almost blew this, thanks for never giving up on me."